“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
My Dear Vulgarian Miss,
In your quest to marry well, you must come to a decision about dogs. Simply put, they are trouble.
They bite, they smell, they snort and make other impolite noises–pugs, most especially. I am aware that pugs are a favorite among ladies, but really. Such flatulence! My dear V.M., on a wooden floor a pug will squeak! (Do not ask me how I know this.)
Steel your heart! Do not be captivated by a furry face in a shop window! As a woman with social ambition, you must put canine companions far from you.
• Dogs have no discrimination. They’ll like anyone. And they shouldn’t!
• Dogs are loveable, but are they more so than you? Don’t invite comparison!
• Friends are chosen because of social usefulness. Dogs are not useful!
• “Hanging out” at Starbucks with a dog will not attract the right man.
• And as a fashion accessory? Even the sophisticated Borzoi is Too Hairy.
• Any live animal causes destruction. Even lapdogs will chew.
• If you keep late hours, know that dogs are experts at waking one from a nap.
• Try keeping a dog from licking your hands. Or your face!
• Even Gowland’s lotion does not remove Dog Germs.
• Do you know what dogs eat? Do you?
To sum up, your intended gentleman must have no rivals for your affection. After you have landed him and are bored–and if you can hire on an additional manservant to handle the havoc–only then should you consider acquiring a lapdog.
Cordially yours in the upward climb,
Sir Walter Elliot, Bart
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.”
Andy Rooney (b. 1919 )
“He that lies down with dogs, shall rise up with fleas.”
Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
Copyright (c) Laura Hile, 2011