Drop the sandwich, and put your hands up!

I never wanted to hurt anyone! I feel so used!

I thought I had seen just about everything. Apparently not.

Last week, fifty-year-old Larry Spurling of Melbeta, Nebraska, was beyond angry at his wife. Using logic worthy of George Wickham, Larry said that she made him live in the country, and he was bored “since there is no place to walk.” Excuse me, Larry, but DUH! You are in the country, which is by definition, the best place to walk, and if you had been my husband, I would certainly have told you to take a hike.

Larry’s wife, obviously the brains of the family (not a characteristic which Lydia could claim), abandoned the argument and went to their bedroom with a sandwich. Sounds odd to me, but perhaps the sandwich was better company than her husband. The husband, drunk on a malt liquor called (I’m not making this up) Natty Daddy, followed her, pulled her hair, pushed her down on the bed, and (release that breath you’ve been holding) stuffed the sandwich in her face. The man assaulted his wife with a sandwich!

His wife, again the grown-up in the room (definitely not a Lydia), called 911, and the police arrived to find lunch meat (Salami? Bologna? Inquiring minds want to know!) and bread crumbs littering the room. The husband (still a Wickham) was outside, face down in the grass, about ten feet from the house. I have no picture of the assault because the assaultee had already washed the remaining evidence from her face.

Larry pleaded no contest to disturbing the peace and was sentenced to five days in jail.

I hope that sandwiches are not on the menu.

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About Robin Helm

Robin Helm has published all three volumes of The Guardian Trilogy: Guardian, SoulFire, and Legacy. She has also published two books in her new Yours by Design Series: Accidentally Yours and Sincerely Yours. She is presently posted the third book, Forever Yours, on BeyondAusten.com and plans to publish it in late winter or early spring. She and her husband have two adult daughters, one son-in-law, one prospective son-in-law, and two dogs - a Yorkie, Tobey, and a Maltese teacup, Chloe.
This entry was posted in For real?, Humor, Quirky news items, Robin Helm. Bookmark the permalink.

37 Responses to Drop the sandwich, and put your hands up!

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! You have got to be kidding me??? WOW, What a JERK!!!! I hope she leaves him and HIS SANDWICH!!!! Why do men always want us to make them sandwiches?

  2. Robin Helm says:

    She left him face down on the lawn and called 911. I think it’s safe to say that the magic has left the marriage. lol

  3. Annette says:

    ohh wow!!! LOL

  4. annieransom says:

    Believe me, I am not siding w/”Mr Wickham” here, no siree, but I live in the country and because of the higher speed limits and the absence of a shoulder or sidewalks, sometimes the country really is not the best place for walking. I have lamented that often…. but still, the guy’s a nut!! Even Wickham would carry his point more charmingly! :-) cheers! ~ annieransom

    • Robin Helm says:

      Bwahaha! I was thinking about walking across fields or down dirt roads in the country. I wouldn’t walk along the side of the highway. Too many drunk drivers. A person could end up as roadkill.

      Thanks for commenting, annieransom.

  5. Susan Kaye says:

    Obviously he was wrong about no place to walk. Well, I guess he likely staggered to the place he fell. Staggering is a form of walking.

    Many years ago my son threw a raisin or a marshmallow (accounts differ on the material, the size is agreed upon) at his younger sister. You should have heard the hollowing. I’m sure if there had been a phone available, she would have called 911.

    I still don’t keep either of these dangerous items in the house.

  6. Gayle Mills says:

    Just goes to show that truth really is stranger than fiction.

  7. Susan Kaye says:

    So, if it had been a club sandwich, with more “weaponry”, would it have been a felony? And if it had been a HOT sandwich, might it have gotten him more counts, maybe even three strikes? “I’m in for whacking my wife with a turkey and tomato panini.” Would slaw or fries bring extra counts of cruelty? This has a lot of potential.

    • Robin Helm says:

      I really am laughing out loud, Susan. I see a one-shot in this at least.

      • Susan Kaye says:

        There was a Twilight Zone in Which Babara Bel Geddes (Miss Elly on the original “Dallas”) played a pregnant woman married to an abusive man. She clocked him with a frozen leg of lamb and when the police came to investigate the murder, she served it up to them medium well with plenty of mint jelly.

        I’m wondering if vegetarians are at a disadvantage in these Felonious Food Fights.

  8. Gayle Mills says:

    “Fruit Fly Over”

  9. Robin Helm says:

    I am making the most unladylike sounds reading your posts, Susan and Gayle. “Honeydew Becomes Honey, Don’t!”

  10. Susan Kaye says:

    Seasons of life and the growing season keep lovers apart in the award winning new novel by Casaba Me’lone, “We Cateloupe Until the Picking is Done.” At independent bookstores and garden centers everywhere.

  11. Gayle Mills says:

    Lettuce take care of business.

  12. Lucy Parker says:

    Y’all are ripe with laughter here! The WKRP episode where they tossed live turkeys out of the plane on Thanksgiving comes to mind, not knowing that turkeys can’t fly. “Oh the inhumanity!” to quote Les Nessman.

    Seems to me that there’s a reason Larry’s wife (soon to be ex – fingers crossed) is keeping him in the country. Would this have turned out differently had he had his own sandwich?

  13. Monica says:

    You can keep the bo-lo-nee but I miss Duke’s mayo! Lol It’s hard to find here in KY. I always bring some home w/ me when I go to SC.

    If my husband had done this to me, the police would’ve had to do a cavity search to recover the evidence ;)

  14. Gayle Mills says:

    I wonder if there’s a noticeable difference in the damage done by a six-inch as opposed to a foot-long sub?

  15. Laura Hile says:

    Oh. My. Word. What I missed in staying off-line is a lot!

    Thanks for the laughs, friends. Made my afternoon, these comments did. :D

  16. Robin Helm says:

    “The Melon Choleric Killer.” Just had to add one more.

Why yes, we DO want a piece of your mind. ;-)

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