Marrying Well for Fun and Profit: Lapdogs

Advice for the upwardly-mobile Miss from Persuasion’s Sir Walter Elliot.

“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
Ambrose Bierce

My Dear Vulgarian Miss,

In your quest to marry well, you must come to a decision about dogs. Simply put, they are trouble.

They bite, they smell, they snort and make other impolite noises–pugs, most especially. I am aware that pugs are a favorite among ladies, but really. Such flatulence! My dear V.M., on a wooden floor a pug will squeak! (Do not ask me how I know this.)

Steel your heart! Do not be captivated by a furry face in a shop window! As a woman with social ambition, you must put canine companions far from you.

• Dogs have no discrimination. They’ll like anyone. And they shouldn’t!
• Dogs are loveable, but are they more so than you? Don’t invite comparison!
• Friends are chosen because of social usefulness. Dogs are not useful!
• “Hanging out” at Starbucks with a dog will not attract the right man.
• And as a fashion accessory? Even the sophisticated Borzoi is Too Hairy.
• Any live animal causes destruction. Even lapdogs will chew.
• If you keep late hours, know that dogs are experts at waking one from a nap.
• Try keeping a dog from licking your hands. Or your face!
• Even Gowland’s lotion does not remove Dog Germs.
• Do you know what dogs eat? Do you?

To sum up, your intended gentleman must have no rivals for your affection. After you have landed him and are bored–and if you can hire on an additional manservant to handle the havoc–only then should you consider acquiring a lapdog.

Cordially yours in the upward climb,

Sir Walter Elliot, Bart

For your consideration:

“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.”
Andy Rooney (b. 1919 )

“He that lies down with dogs, shall rise up with fleas.”
Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

Copyright (c) Laura Hile, 2011

8 thoughts on “Marrying Well for Fun and Profit: Lapdogs

    1. Laura Hile Post author

      Hi Sybil! Yes, trust Sir Walter to rescue a dull scene with an outrageous comment. He’ll be posting weekly, as the world is panting for his august advice on a variety of topics. Next up, his opinion of “Bling.”


    1. Laura Hile Post author

      Suzan, I looked long and hard for that adorable pug photo. I used to like animals a lot more before I became Mom (read, responsible for all aspects of care and cleaning up). Some of Sir Walter’s opinions are, alas, mine! But that sweet doggy face tempts me, yes it does.

      As I told Sybil (above), Sir Walter will be posting a weekly column, probably Wednesday afternoons. He has opinions on everything!


  1. Robin Helm

    We now have one Yorkie and one Maltese teacup (Chloe). She has stolen our hearts, even if we do have to clean out her box each morning.


  2. Laura Hile Post author

    Cute goes a long way toward lightening the cleanup chore.

    When my boys were small, I wondered whether God made toddlers that adorable in order to ensure the survival of the human race!



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