Marrying Well for Fun and Profit: Bridesmaids, meet the Medical Spa!


“All changed, changed utterly:
A terrible beauty is born.”

William Butler Yeats



My Dear Vulgarian Miss,

Spring is quickly passing into summer, and I notice that you have no wedding plans. Consider this a point in your favor, for a good six months is needed to plan the perfect wedding. One must consider not only the reception, clothing, flowers, and music but also the appearance of the wedding party.

To put it plainly, your attendants must be brought into compliance. I’m not speaking of hair and makeup only—for everyone needs those! —but of a body overhaul. Beauty is skin deep, as they say—and that’s what you need to address. The skin, along with everything else.

It’s called cosmetic intervention, and you need it. Your bridesmaids need it. Your mother and future mother-in-law do, too. Remember, “Wedding pictures are forever.” And your modern digital cameras are so extremely unkind! Plan now to impress posterity with a stunning wedding portrait.

“I’ve already made arrangements with a Medical Spa” is the best news ever. Your attendants will be thrilled, for they’ve secretly wished to do these procedures for years. Now they have an excuse—you! Can you live with that? Of course, for the alternative is to live with their unsightly image in your wedding album.

Liposuction trumps the gymnasium. Why set your best friends up for tortuous workouts? Toned muscles are not everything! An aesthetician will assess each bridesmaid and devise a treatment plan—a quick chemical peel, or an injection of a wrinkle-filler. Or a series of Fraxel laser treatments over months, allowing for recovery time.

Rethink asking your bridesmaids to go under the knife, however. Cosmetic surgery—such as breast enhancement—is asking rather a lot, even if you do find a surgeon offering group rates. Modest gowns for your attendants are in better taste.

In closing, I should point out that you must be realistic. There are those in need not of cosmetic, but of cosmic intervention. Such unsightly ones should not be asked to join your wedding party.

Cordially yours in the upward climb,

Sir Walter Elliot, Bart

Seriously! It’s Botox for You, Dear Bridesmaids!

Sir Walter Elliot shares advice with Vulgarian readers every other Wednesday evening.

Archive of Marrying Well columns

Copyright (c) Laura Hile, 2012

9 thoughts on “Marrying Well for Fun and Profit: Bridesmaids, meet the Medical Spa!

  1. Laura Hile Post author

    Given Sir Walter’s requirements—the entire family must pass muster, appearance-wise—is it any wonder that Elizabeth remained unmarried? Good thing he’s fictional!

    Although I must say, the woman in the NY Times article (referenced at the Seriously? link), who wanted all five bridesmaids to have breast enhancements, must be a relation of his. A great-great-great-great grand daughter?


  2. Robin Helm

    I must say that I resemble those remarks in real life. Remember that my chief motivation for rejoining Weight Watchers was the idea that I will eventually be in wedding pictures with a skinny mother-of-the-groom. It seems to be working like a charm, too, because I’ve lost nearly 18 pounds in 5 weeks!

    Maybe by the Decatur Book Festival I will be a more attractive size. One can dream.


  3. Laura Hile Post author

    You are progressing splendidly, Robin. Who cares what Sir Walter thinks? In this day and age he’d be one of those taut-skinned freaks with stretched-looking eyelids and duck lips! With the spray-on tan.


  4. Robin Helm

    Sort of a George Hamilton. I had forgotten his name, so I googled “actor famous for fake tan.” His name came up. That pretty much says it all, don’t you think?


  5. Susan Kaye

    But George Hamilton is funny and he even plays along with his vain caricature. I think Sir Walter would be Karl Lagerfeld:
    The Crypt Keeper
    He used to be a model and now he looks like the crypt keeper!


  6. LucyParker

    George Hamilton’s tan came to my mind, too. I wonder how many photographers have had to adjust the skin tone color of orange brides and bridesmaid?


  7. Susan Kaye

    At least there’s a camera setting for deorangification of the bridal party. Surgical intervention mishaps, wardrobe malfunctions, and hem over extentions all call for Photoshop!



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