Does this make me look fat?

That’s a room full of testosterone suffering from PMS.

Oh, the pain of it! The drama! Ladies, I remember the days when I was so thin that a big meal changed my pants size. Alas and alack, those days are no more. I have since discovered elastic, and I can say from experience, that it is very forgiving. However, players in the NFL no longer have the luxury of uniforms which offer concealment to the more Hurst-like, and they are having self-esteem issues worthy of Caroline Bingley when Darcy remarked on Elizabeth Bennet’s fine eyes. These guys remind me of Mrs. Bennet during an attack of her “poor nerves.”

I just realized that the NFL is in the midst of a Hunsford moment. I should write them a consoling letter, I suppose.

All thirty-two NFL teams adopted the Nike form-fitting uniforms this year, but it seems that some of the less svelte players are uncomfortable in the skintight gear.

Alex Boone, a 300-pound starting guard for the San Francisco 49ers pouted, “I hate them. They are built for thin guys. It makes me look like I have big old love handles.” He added that his wife had joked that the uniform makes it look like he has eaten “a small baby.”

Hello, Alex. The NFL doesn’t have a prom, and you’re not running for Homecoming Queen either.

A Baltimore Ravens defensive lineman, Terrence Cody (349 pounds), added, “I don’t really care for the new jerseys. I feel like they should put different material in for the big guys.”

Cody, back away from the Big Mac.

Nike insists the uniforms come in a variety of sizes and cuts that can suit players of various shapes. Cody answers that the uniform constricts when it gets wet and rides up his body throughout games. (Let’s don’t even get into feminine apparel which “rides up” at the most inopportune moments.)

The whole point of a uniform which fits more tightly is to make it more difficult for an opposing player to grab a handful of fabric in order to bring down a player. And, folks, it works.

Other players say that the uniform’s detractors should be less concerned with appearances. Baltimore’s 334-pound lineman Ramon Harewood told the Journal that complainers just “like to look pretty.”

Harewood, the 334-pound Baltimore lineman, says,“They say you have to look good to play good—I don’t believe that.”

You, go, girl – I mean, man. Don’t let the naysayers get you down. (And check with me later for some free grammar lessons. Seriously.)

Go, Gamecocks!

The University of South Carolina adopted the skin-tight Under Armour uniforms last season, and they didn’t whine – at least publicly. I know it must make for high comedy in the locker room when those huge guys are trying to stuff themselves into jerseys that would fit my 115-pound daughter. The “improved body contour fit” shows all.

Some of the NFL players are developing “sausage casing” complexes. Their lumps and bumps (called cellulite by lifetime dieters like me) are giving them serious body confidence issues.

Well, guys, have I got a plan for you! Join Weight Watchers and focus on core-building, fat burning exercises after you finish your exhausting practices. For generations, women have worked at looking good or accepted that they look fat. Deal with it. I haven’t worn a swimsuit in more than twenty years – and it’s not because I burn easily.

I just can’t work up much guilt for getting a giggle at the expense of these highly-paid athletes. Women have suffered from leggings, skinny jeans, fitted tops, and bikinis for years. Welcome to our world.

On the other hand, some guys look absolutely wonderful in the new uniforms. I’m thinking, “Hello, William Darcy, quarterback!” (Did you really just make a pass at me?) In fact, I might come up with an entire offensive and defensive line of Austen hero and villain football players. Col. Fitzwilliam and Captain Wentworth were born to be wide receivers (touchdown!), and I would love to see Willoughy and Wickham get tackled by some very large linemen.

Then we could add cheerleaders. Caroline and Lydia, anyone?

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11 thoughts on “Does this make me look fat?

    1. Robin Helm

      Shocking! Abominable! Either there should be no football white pants after Labor Day, or the guys should wear more substantial, er, coverage. The back end of Backus is a bit overexposed. Poor guy.

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  1. Susan Kaye

    I don’t care for football so this has tempest and teapot written all over it for me. I just hope the NBA doesn’t ditch the free-flowing, tentlike uniforms and go back to the ones of the days of Jerry West in the 70s. Not that I watch, but I do have to suffer through sports tid bits as I cruise the channels and do see things. Things I want to forget.

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    1. Robin Helm

      I haven’t been into football since high school until this year. I’m not so much a Gamecock fan as I am a Dylan Thompson fan.

      Since players don’t tackle in basketball, I doubt that their uniforms will change.

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  2. Lucy Parker

    If someone wants to pay me $500,000+ per season to wear one of these outfits to work, then I’m game. Even with all my lumps and bumps showing. I’ll take one (of these uniforms) for the Gipper – all the way to the bank.

    Quit whining about those tight white pants and put on your Spanx. Jeesh. Men.

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    1. Robin Helm

      My sentiments exactly, Terry. They are whining all the way to the bank. I’d wear the uniform, too, for what they’re getting paid – though I would certainly lose another 20 pounds and live at the gym.

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      1. Lucy Parker

        Football is on, Mr LP is asleep, so I’m getting a good look at those new uni’s. Hmm, methinks the main complaint is that you can see every nuance, little or big. *waggles eyebrows ala Lizzy Bennet* As long as they’re moving, they’ll be fine. Too much standing in front of the sports cams may ruin their public image. hehehe (I’m switching to PBS)

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  3. Robin Helm

    Women have been dealing with wearing white for decades. Can they not come up with some sort of spandex brief that would solve the problem? I’d rather not know any of them that well.

    Until they do, we will see the good, the bad, and the ugly.

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  4. Robin Helm

    The Gamecocks have a new uniform from Under Armour for this weekend’s game with Louisiana. It’s gray – like a battle ship. What do you think?

    I think they rock!

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Why yes, we DO want a piece of your mind. ;-)

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