Is your summer romance over? Need to breakup? There’s an app for that.

In my area, school will start back two weeks from today, and teachers return to work in one week. In honor of the end of the carefree days of summer, I thought a helpful post advising those entangled in those annoying summer romances (which are fun for a while but begin to lose their appeal after three months) on how to gracefully exit said affaires de cœur might be in order.

In 1975, Paul Simon had a huge, unexpected hit song in “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover.” His helpful girlfriend actually gave him some ideas.

The problem is all inside your head, she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I’d like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover

She said it’s really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won’t be lost or misconstrued
But I’ll repeat myself, at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Other ways include the agonizing face-to-face painfest; long, handwritten letters; or even Post-It notes left on the dumpee’s car windshield. Paul Simon’s way was bad, but there is a way now that’s even worse.

The tech savvy way to dump your summer fling

The tech savvy way to dump your summer fling

Easy, fast, and cheap - 99 cents!

Easy, fast, and cheap – 99 cents!

BreakupText is an iPhone app designed by Jake Levine and Lauren Leto that will compose a long-winded text in a few seconds. Click on the app and answer a few basic questions such as your gender and whether the relationship was serious or casual. The app then gets to the heart of the matter: the reason for ending the relationship. Did you found someone else, lose interest, or were you eaten by a bear? These guys, being very young, think that long, emotional, dramatic breakup texts are hilarious.

Here’s an actual example:

My dear Johnny, I know you’ve been wondering where I’ve been. I don’t know how to tell you this, but you know how Sara always acts like an idiot when wasted? Well, on our camping trip we saw a bear and she antagonized it. I know you hate when Sara acts like that. Well, I do as well. Because that bear unhinged his jaw and shoved me into his stomach. So yeah, I’m stuck in a bear. Somewhere upstate, it doesn’t feel like this guy moves a lot, I’d ask you to come find me and cut me out but maybe this is for the best, you know? We were fighting all the time, I hated my job, my parents are still upset I didn’t become a lawyer … as I sit in this dark acid hole, I can’t think of enough reasons to punch my way out. So remember me fondly, make it sound like I died a hero. Love you.

I know these texts will never go down in the history of romantic letters. Think of Wentworth’s heartfelt missive to Anne in Persuasion or Darcy’s defensive correspondence in Pride and Prejudice, but at least the person who receives it can have the satisfaction of showing it to all your mutual friends, proving what a jerk you are.

I would never break up in writing of any sort. The written word can come back to bite you, and besides, it’s just cruel. Any time I broke off a relationship, it was face-to-face. What is (was) your preferred method? There are teenagers out there who need the benefit of your years of wisdom. What was the worst breakup you ever went through? Can you laugh about it now?

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9 thoughts on “Is your summer romance over? Need to breakup? There’s an app for that.

  1. Susan Kaye

    Let’s see, there was the guy who called my house and my grandfather essentially broke up with him. But, this guy was a stalker before the word came to mean a crazy love interest.

    With the appearing of this app, I”m sure there will soon be a website on which dumpees can compare their texts. Since this will be such a painless method for the dumper, there will be some who become notorious and warnings will go out about them.

    We are waiting on Grumpy Cat’s wisdom on this.

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        1. Robin Helm Post author

          I don’t know. I’m still mulling over the idea of a breakup app. What’s next? A proposal app? A “so-and-so died” app? A divorce app?

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          1. Susan Kaye

            Just go to a Hallmark store. For any occasion there’s a card, there is/will be an app. And then we get into areas that are private, but fools dare to tread.

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  2. Laura Hile

    Technology makes everything faster and easier. If a text seems too impersonal, why not add the punch of a visual image? Thus, the break-up ecard!

    I am frankly astonished at how many of these are floating around on the web. And bitterness? Accusation? Thinly-veiled conceit? (And—ahem! —crude profanity?) Alive and well, unfortunately.

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        1. Robin Helm Post author

          People are even ruder on sites where they use pseudonyms. I understand the reasons people use pen names, and those aren’t the folks I’m speaking of. I’m thinking about comments on published articles and chat boards. Talk about brutal!

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Why yes, we DO want a piece of your mind. ;-)

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