“He don’t wanna be lonely tonight”

Desperate man-seekers never fare well in Jane Austen’s novels. Isabella Thorpe, Maria Bertram, and Elizabeth Elliot almost deserve the scorn they receive.

Photo Credit: David Goehring (Creative Commons Flickr)

Photo Credit: David Goehring (Creative Commons Flickr)

But hey, if you’re pining for a boyfriend this Valentine’s Day, Craigslist has you covered. From today’s listings for the Portland, Oregon metro area, here are fellows are ready, willing, and available.

I wish I were making these up, truly. I must tell you that these are by NO means the weirdest ads. Here goes.

Breakfast at a dive bar, he says. Up early and have the weekend off. I have no valentine to love on, on this day of love.πŸ™‚ sooooooo! I’m looking for a chill sweetie to get puffy with and go get breakfast at a dive bar. who’s in? (Not making this up.)

Photo Credit: Liz West (Creative Commons Flickr)

Photo Credit: Liz West (Creative Commons Flickr)

Valentine’s with someone, he says. I know what you already think, a guy posting on Craigslist is pathetic…and you’re right. I wouldn’t be here if was Cristiano Ronaldo. I’m a average 7- to 3:30 warehouse guy. I made $120,000 last year but I’m still nothing you would ever brag to your girlfriends about. I fish,shoot,snowboard and all that other redneck sh*t, but I also love fine wine,and all that other stuff. Single mom’s do not apply. (Not making this up.)

I am real, it’s Valentine’s Day. The bane of every single person, he says. I am searching for a young woman who is interested in dating older guys. I would love to have a regular intimate encounter, dinner, watch a movie, enjoy Portland, date and have some awesome sex. Me- I just turned 50, 3 wks ago, do not look or feel 1/2 century old, in good shape, no six pac but not fat either. I am single, young at heart and very active. I am well educated, professional and would enjoy the company of a younger woman. I am established, mature, kind and open to many things. I love music, movies, cycling and board games. You- 25-38 hwp, open and mature. Please be active- cycling, running, yoga. Let’s have dinner and enjoy stellar conversation, a glass of wine. Please be non smoking, stable, drug, disease free, employed. (Not making this up.)

Alas, this one is a fictional fellow.

At least Mr Darcy does not demand someone who is slim

Seeking decent live-in girlfriend, he says. Decent, romantic, creative, educated man who is not into dating seeks love and affection from a good woman, preferably < 40 yo, who is goal-oriented, warm, and searching for stability in her life. If we seem compatible, you can come and live with me (very nice place) as housemate-friend without sexual intimacy 'til we connect. Only petite, healthy, non-felon, educated women need to respond, and be ready to identify themselves. (Not making this up.)

Then I got on the wrong page and found this dandy ad from a woman. Because it’s good for a girl to know what she wants, right?

Seeking a well-groomed companion with hair, she says. Seeking sophisticated traveler who knows about behavioral psychology. It works best if you were raised with older sisters and you liked your mother….Energetic, problem-solving, outspoken, vivacious lady, slim and trim, seeks a trim man companion for outings and beach exploration. Family is not here, and I seek someone who also has no primary family but likes winter surf watching, to dance, and to see the magnificent coast. I am refined and a creative artist who likes a well groomed companion with hair….Do not contact me if you have heavy drama going in your life with multiple people pulling on your every nerve and spare moment, and you are exhausted. I seek someone who is REALLY available and not too many really are. Let’s have fun. I am way past 50 and you can be way past 50 IF you are IN SHAPE and have a nice smile! Men in their 40s frequently want to talk with me when I’m out. No smoking/drugs/felines or ex-wife, illness caregiving, child or grand-child drama. (SO not making this up.)

Happy Valentine’s Day! And remember, there are worse things than being lonely tonight…

9 thoughts on ““He don’t wanna be lonely tonight”

  1. Gayle Mills

    *snorts* What? They didn’t demand immunizations, too? And what if you don’t agree on the wine selection? Be specific, please. And no mention of the remote? I. AM. SO. GLAD. I’M. NOT. DATING.

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    1. Susan Kaye

      Gayle, vaccines are at odds with the Portlandia lifestyle so vital to this part of the world. The best Craigslist tale was complaining about a 50 Shades type hook up she had. Hilarious and will
      Likely be played out tomorrow all over the metro area.

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    1. Laura Hile Post author

      “Honey, I want your (slim, petite, active, young) body AND your money. Now.”

      This prize (below) did not make the cut for the blog post. If nothing else, your inner editor will read it and shudder. What do you bet he wants the “normal girl” who responds to pay?

      Hey all you women that is bord stiff and likes to do it with Crystal hit me up im 44 175 6ft fit goodlooking. Sane and cool like doing this every now and again. You might be goodlooking and a nice body and likes have fun like this.no tweekers just normal girl.looking to do this now.so hit me with stats and pictures. P.s i can come pick you up if need be or hang at your house

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      Reply
  2. Robin Helm

    I think every man must be tall and devastatingly handsome in his own mind. They all want pictures of the woman before they “hook up,” too. smh

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    1. Laura Hile Post author

      I’m with you, Robin. Clicking through to the Craigslist ads demonstrates the “I’ll send a picture if you do” mentality. But if one is after the physical aspects to a relationship, appearance becomes not just a bonus, but everything.

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  3. Laura Hile Post author

    Ha, Christine, probably both!

    Her headline was something like “No Pets, No Kids, Let’s Travel.” She sure knows what she wants. Whether there’s a man out there who measures up (the behavioral psychology cracks me up–that knife cuts both ways), or whether she’ll like this paragon when she meets him, is another story.

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Why yes, we DO want a piece of your mind. ;-)

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