Marrying Well for Fun and Profit: Chocolate, the Inexpensive Therapist?

Advice for the upwardly-mobile Miss from Persuasion’s Sir Walter Elliot.

Be still, my heart. Chocolate shoes!  Photo Credit: Will Thomas  (Creative Commons Flickr)

Be still, my heart! You can keep the bunnies and the bon-bons and the Cadbury creme eggs. I’ll have a chocolate SHOE. Photo Credit: Will Thomas (Creative Commons Flickr)

My Dear Vulgarian Miss,

Christmas, Valentine’s, and now Easter—the candy displays are everywhere. So I thought we’d best have a little chat about that luscious and much-adored treat, chocolate.

It has been said that chocolate is a girl’s best friend. It is the Inexpensive Therapist, no appointment necessary. Chocolate calms nerves, subdues sorrows, and patches together a broken heart. It also relieves menopausal symptoms, although I would not know. (Even if I were a woman, I am not at all old enough to experience those.)

In my day chocolate was often served as a hot drink, available only to those of discerning taste who were willing to stand the expense. In your modern times, chocolate candy is accessible to everyone. But unless you are prepared to spend weeks at the gym, it is best to indulge sparingly.

Chocolate’s health advantages add to its appeal.

  • Dark chocolate may benefit the circulatory system.
  • It can supposedly boost cognitive abilities.
  • Consumption of dark chocolate could contribute to a lower body mass index.
  • The flavonoids in chocolate make it a natural laxative. (A good thing? Debatable.)
A better alternative: Chocolate Diamonds and a gorgeous Aquamarine

Better: Chocolate Diamonds and a gorgeous Aquamarine (Photo Credit: LeVian)

You are allowed three decadent bites, my dear. Then it is time to face chocolate’s dark side:

  • Heartburn!
  • Obesity!
  • Lead poisoning!
  • Kidney stones!
  • Addiction!

In your bid to marry well, be aware of what chocolate can do to the size of your tummy and hips. And remember that Spandex, while tempting, is no solution to over-indulgence. Just because fat is immobilized does not make it any less unsightly.

Your gentleman no doubt enjoys gifting you with chocolates (let us hope not of the dime-store variety). As with flowers, encourage him to send them to the office instead of to your home. In this way you can enjoy the envy of your coworkers, a definite bonus. And how much nicer it is to share your bounty with everyone, rather than, say, eating them all as you sit alone in front of your television.

Cordially yours in the upward climb,

Sir Walter Elliot, Bart.


“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then does not hurt.”
~ Charles M. Schultz

“Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.”
~ Dave Barry

~ For more advice from Sir Walter, click on his image ~


Copyright (c) Laura Hile, 2015

13 thoughts on “Marrying Well for Fun and Profit: Chocolate, the Inexpensive Therapist?

  1. Robin Helm

    You do know that the good, expensive chocolate is good for your teeth, don’t you? A dentist actually told me that. So I’m sacrificing my figure to have good teeth into my old age. Yeah, that’s it.


    1. Laura Hile

      Seriously? Sounds like expensive chocolate is good for the dentist’s income. And the makers of shape wear.

      The mention of Spandex was inspired by you, Miss Robin. Sir Walter is always listening in to my conversations…


      1. Robin Helm

        I saw someone this past weekend who desperately needed a Spandex intervention – a Spantervention, if you will. I am scarred for life.


        1. Laura Hile

          LOLOLOL, Robin. A Spantervention! Bring it on!

          One sees hefty gals wearing flesh-colored leggings. This is bad enough with a tunic, but with a short shirt? As you say, there’s no unseeing that image.


    1. Laura Hile

      Sir Walter fires his darts at me without mercy: cellulite, ageing, beachwear, jewelry, manners, how to wear an evening dress (instead of the dress wearing me). Funny thing. I write him, but at the same time I learn a lot from him.


  2. Susan Kaye

    I’ve always thought Walt was full of it. Chocolate is the Aztec/Swiss/Foodie conspiracy-of-choice used to empty wallets and make others feel stupid when blathering about conchining, tempering, and ganache. That’s why I go with Cheetoes. There is no way you can look at them and even try to convince yourself they’re good for you. Or even very useful.



Why yes, we DO want a piece of your mind. ;-)

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