Marrying Well for Fun and Profit: How to Work a Cruise

Advice for the upwardly-mobile Miss from Persuasion’s resident social expert, Sir Walter Elliot.

Would you rather stay home in the rain, snow, and gloom? Or be here? (Photo: bvi4092 Creative Commons Flickr)

Stay home in the rain and and gloom? Why, when you could be here? (Photo: bvi4092 Creative Commons Flickr)

My Dear Vulgarian Miss,

No doubt you have been bombarded with television advertisements for winter getaways. This is no accident, for once the tax refund arrives that money fairly begs to be spent. Have you no gentleman in your life? Then I suggest that you consider taking a cruise.

It has been well-said that one must spend money to make money. If you invest invest in the right sort of cruise and work it judiciously, you will reap social dividends. Who knows? You could disembark with the gentleman of your dreams.

Greece  Photo: Keith Parker (Creative Commons Flickr)

This pink sand beach in Greece is waiting Photo: Keith Parker (Creative Commons Flickr)

But don’t begin packing your bags just yet. For there is work to be done, oh yes, and choices to be made.

Plan now to stand out from the crowd—in a good way. As to hair, wardrobe, and smile, you must be the “It Girl.” Your aim is to be lovely and lively and engaging. Resist the allure of skimpy clothing, however. Your fellow travelers will no doubt be showing Too Much Flesh. Beauty might be in the eyes of the beholder, but it is best not to add to the beholder’s suffering.

Watching for dolphins? Perhaps.  Photo: Muha (Creative Commons Flickr)

Watch television at home alone? Or watch dolphins with him? Photo: Muha (Creative Commons Flickr)

Work on your dance moves. Yes, this means you should take a series of lessons. On the dance floor you need to be competent and at ease, and practice will improve both. Then too, dance is excellent exercise and will tone your figure.

With the popularity of karaoke in mind, consider voice lessons. One or two songs, nicely performed, will be enough. In my day, a gentlewomen had no choice—she was forced play and sing. Before you dismiss the idea, consider how a song paves the way for conversation. A sincere “You have a lovely voice” is so much better than a stale pickup line, is it not?

Megaship madness or the charm of a smaller ship? You decide. Photo: Silversea Cruises

Megaship madness or the charm of a medium-size vessel? You decide. Photo: Silversea Cruises

Select a theme-oriented cruise. Yes, there are cruises designed to appeal to men, such as a Beer River Cruise (Vienna to Munich) or an NFL Legends football cruise (transatlantic). Keep in mind that a smaller ship without elevators will draw a younger crowd.

Once your trip is booked, join that cruise’s Roll Call. Roll Calls are online discussions where you can chat with fellow passengers before you sail. Then, when you attend the Meet and Mingle on your first day at sea—and you will attend, instead of sitting alone in your cabin or in a deck chair—you will have ready-made acquaintances.

If you travel with a girlfriend, choose wisely. A stick-in-the-mud misfit alcoholic is not a good cruise companion. Nor is a man-grabbing repellent loudmouth. Enough said? I believe so.

Wishing you the best of success I remain

Cordially yours in the upward climb,

Sir Walter Elliot, Bart.

“The great difference between voyages rests not with the ships, but with the people you meet on them.”
~ Amelia E Barr

“Travel is the only thing you buy that makes you richer.”

~ For more advice from Sir Walter,
click on his image ~

8 thoughts on “Marrying Well for Fun and Profit: How to Work a Cruise

    1. Laura Hile Post author

      I know, Diana, right? There are plenty of fish in the sea, but not many that are keepers.

      I’m heading south on the train today (Spring Break). Now I kind of wish I was going on a cruise instead.


    1. Laura Hile Post author

      *snort* Game ON, Gayle!

      He says: “What’s it like being the most beautiful girl on the ship?”
      She says: “What’s it like being the biggest liar in the world?”

      He says: “My stateroom or yours?”
      She says: “How about both? You go to your stateroom, I’ll go to mine.”


  1. Robin Helm

    About those dance moves – I’m nearly 61. My dance moves are on a level with my students – kindergartners up through fifth-graders.


  2. Susan Kaye

    Yes, to travel you need a suitable duffle and a DUFF. One such as Penelope with freckles, projecting tooth, and a dicky wrist will do nicely. Of course if she’s unattractive and truly fat, you have the perfect companion for the trip.

    Liked by 1 person


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