Southern Fried Austen

Finer than frog’s hair

Lizzy, Jane Bea, Lydie, and Kitty met Caroline and her cousin, Emma, at their hotel in Atlanta on Saturday before the NASCAR race there on Sunday.  Mary Bess wouldn’t go, on account of it being on a church day, and she didn’t think racing on Sunday was spiritual, even though her sisters promised they’d attend services in the morning. Just like the old song, Mary Bess would “not be moved,” insisting that she was like “a tree planted by the water,” and that wellspring was in Sugarfield. According to her, Atlanta was a “pit of vipers and heathens.” On the way to Atlanta, Lizzy told her other sisters they could skip church on Sunday since Mary Bess had already preached them a sermon. By the time they sat down to eat with Caroline and  Emma in the hotel restaurant, Kitty and Lydie were laughing so hard, they’d nearly wet their panties. Finer than frog's hair

Lydie: This is a blast! We’re in high cotton now! I’m glad Mary Bess stayed at home. Anyway, I’m fixin’ to catch me a good lookin’ man or two this weekend, and Mary’d be about as useful with that as a screen door on a submarine. I’m gonna break bad, so stand back, ladies, and eat my dust.

Jane Bea: I sure don’t need another man. My Charlie and his buddy are going to meet up with us at the Speedway. I’m happier than a tornado in a trailer park.

Caroline: Will’s coming with Charlie? Ladies, if he don’t get your fire started, your wood’s wet.

Kitty: I heard tell he’s fine as frog’s hair.

Caroline: You’d call an alligator a lizard. He’s finer than frog’s hair split four ways.

Lydie: Lizzy said he didn’t impress her much.

Caroline: Well, Lizzy’s porch light’s on, but nobody’s home.  That man is hot enough to boil ice water by stickin’ his finger in it. Think of how useful he’d be if you wanted to make sweet tea.


Lizzy: Your elevator never did go all the way to the top floor, Caroline. I never said he didn’t look good. The man is movie star handsome. Shoot, he could be the chiseled hero of a romance novel or be a male model, but he’s so snooty he stands around as lonely as a pine tree in a parking lot.

Caroline: My mama told me that a bit dog always hollers. You talk about that Will Darcy feller an awful lot for somebody who doesn’t like him. That’s all I’ve got to say.

Emma: (clapping hands in delight) Oooo! I bet they’d be a perfect match. He’s fine as frog’s hair, and Lizzy is lookin’ for a frog to kiss.

Lizzy: Emma, you don’t know your head from a hole in the ground. Bless your sweet heart. What in Sam hill makes you think I want to kiss a frog?

Emma: Why, to turn him into your Prince Charming, silly goose.

Caroline: Emma, you’re about as useful as a football bat.

Lizzy: Well, Caroline, pigs are flying somewhere, because I agree with you.  Emma’s barking up the wrong tree. I need a man like I need a third hand when I don’t have but two pockets.

Finer than frog hair

Lydie: I’m ready to stuff my piehole before I starve slap to death. My belly button is plum stuck to my backbone. Emma, you can scout me out a frog to kiss while we eat. I’m not too proud.

Kitty: Land o’ Goshen. Who’s that man sittin’ at the bar having a Coke? I think my eyeballs just melted.

Jane, Lizzy, and Caroline: Will Darcy!

Lydie: Caroline, you’re right as rain. Finer than frog’s hair split four ways.


15 thoughts on “Southern Fried Austen

    1. Robin Helm Post author

      Just like my daughters. Ha! My younger daughter’s husband says she’s fun-sized. Of course, he’s 6’3″ and she’s 5’4″. She seems tiny in comparison.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. Laura Hile

    These girls, on their way to NASCAR, are a hoot! And what’s this? Matchmaker Emma’s on the hunt?

    Love the Lizzy snark, too: “I need a man like I need a third hand when I don’t have but two pockets.” Well done, Robin.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Robin Helm Post author

      Yep. Emma’s there to help them get their men. I want all the main Austen characters to drop in eventually.

      Didn’t you know NASCAR is a great place to meet guys?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Susan Kaye

    As someone who grew up on Northern cornbread and what is now known as sweet tea, your pots leave me conflicted. I have to stick my finger in the wind to tell who I am.

    It will be interesting to see where the ladies go next.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Robin Helm Post author

      An identity crisis! I’m so sorry. This is all just second nature to me. I could write about a family reunion or Big Meeting. Beauty pageants are big, as is mudslinging and going to fairs.


      1. Susan Kaye

        I was born in California, but was raised in North Idaho. We’ve lived in the Midwest and now, gulp, Oregon. Oddities in character are universal, the only thing that changes is the locale and the amount of fat in the food.



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