Southern Fried Austen

Who licked the red off your candy?

Lizzy stalked up to Charlie and Darcy in the Atlanta hotel restaurant like a woman on a mission. She’d just had an earful from Emma, and she knew Darcy’d been talkin’ junk about her. She was spittin’ nails, and they were all aimed at that long, tall, drink of water named Darcy. When he saw her, he just mosied back to the bar and leaned on it, takin’ a sip of his Coke, starin’ at her with cool blue eyes. (Like Clint Eastwood. Go ahead. Make my day.)

Southern gentlemen

Noticin’ how handsome he was just made her madder. In her opinion, no man had a right to look that good and be so high and mighty – so stuck on himself.  She’d just smarted off to him, and he hadn’t backed down. According to him, it was on. She was just fine with that. “On” was what she liked best.

Lizzy: Howdy, Charlie. What’s a nice guy like you doing hanging around with a city slicker like him?

Charlie: Now, Lizzy. Don’t let your mouth write a check your wallet can’t cash. You know Darcy’s from Sugarfield, just like the rest of us.

Lizzy: He may’ve been born here, but he isn’t from here anymore. He’s about as Southern as hot tea and snowbirds.

Darcy: Who licked the red off your candy, honey? I’m as Southern as you are. I just don’t act like a hick.

Lizzy: You’re so slick you could stand on your head in the bathtub and stack greased BB’s with boxing gloves on.

Darcy: Well, little lady, you can just get glad in the same britches you got mad in. What’d I ever do to you? Kick your dog? Some little poodle? Or maybe you have a hunting dog. You like to go hunting with your boyfriends?

Southern guy rules

Lizzy: You’re a rung or two short of a ladder, mister. I don’t need a boyfriend, and I heard everything you’ve been running your mouth about, insulting me.

Darcy: So I’m the one who licked the red off your candy? How very unSouthern of me.

Lizzy: Got that right. You’re no gentleman, and you’re in the Deep South now. You’ve gone back on your raisin’.

Darcy: Why do you care what I said about you? You so insecure that saying you’re pretty is a slap?

Lizzy: That’s not what you said, and you dadgum well know it. You said I was merely pretty and sweet as a persimmon. Do you know what a persimmon is, Mr. Darcy?

Darcy: It’s a fruit of the berry family and comes from a beautiful flower. Useful as a food or medicine. Has chemical applications, too. To my way of thinking, I said you were helpful as well as ornamental. Can’t see as that was anything to set you off like this. Sounds like a compliment to me.

Southern guys

Lizzy: You also said I have a sharp tongue and am always flyin’ off the handle. You called me crazy, too. You’re all hat and no cattle, and you’ve bitten off more than you can chew. You’re good with words – I’ll give you that, but the sun don’t shine on the same dog’s tail all the time.

Darcy: So I’m going to get what’s coming to me? Who’ll administer that punishment? You?

Lizzy: Somebody has to do it. May as well be me as the next person.

Darcy: Have to say I kinda like the idea.

Lizzy: What about my sharp tongue? Aren’t you scared I’ll cut you?

Darcy: I think I can take care of myself. Your tongue is sharp, but I can handle it. I never did like lily-livered women who agreed with everything out of my mouth.

Charlie: So you two gonna mend fences? Well, don’t that take the cake! Shut my mouth!

Darcy: Great idea, Charlie. Come on, Lizzy. There’s a slow song playing. Dance with me. Let’s give the girls something to talk about.

Southern state of mine


Lizzy: Maybe I did go off half-cocked, just a little. I’ll give you one more chance, but that’s it.

Darcy: I just ruffled your feathers a mite, darlin’. Sorry about that. Dance with me?

Lizzy: I can cut a rug, but can you dance?

Darcy: Easy as sliding off a greasy log backwards.

Lizzy: Just don’t count your chickens before they hatch.

Darcy: I never do. Let’s hit the floor, chickie.

Southern dance

Lizzy: Mama always said every dog should have a few fleas. Lucky for you, I know how to handle them. Take my hand. I’ll find us a good spot on the floor.

Darcy: I love a woman who makes me want to follow her. I hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you go.

Lizzy: Then we’ll go whole hog.

Darcy: I’m right behind you. Close your mouth, Charlie. You look like a carp.



3 thoughts on “Southern Fried Austen

  1. Susan Kaye

    Some of these reach across the country. Though I think it would be rude to tell the AF way to stack bbs on a windy runway. And that came from a certified Seattlite with emerald coffee flowing through his veins.

    Great scene.



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