Southern Fried Austen

A hot mess

Charlie watched as Lizzy and Darcy went out onto the dance floor. They were so close, he couldn’t have slipped a piece of paper between them. He started to think he’d like to dance with his gal, too, so headed for the girls’ table to fetch his Janie. Turns out, he hadn’t been the only one who noticed that Lizzy and Darcy were dancing – and just how close they were.

Hot mess 3

Caroline: Would you look at that? Lizzy’s grabbed him so tight that you can’t see a speck of daylight between them. The hussy!

Lydia: Caroline, you know you’re just jealous. If you were dancin’ with that man we’d have to pry you off him with a spatula when the music ended. Why, the way you’re poutin’, I could drive to Ruby on that lip.

Kitty: I don’t blame Lizzy one bit. That man grabbed her like she was a life raft and he was on the Titanic. Lizzy hardly ever lets a man get that close to her. She’s no hussy, and don’t you say about my sister.

Jane Bea: Can you all pipe down? Charlie’s comin’, and he doesn’t want to hear this kind of talk.

Caroline: I can’t help it if your sister is all over Darcy like ugly on an ape, Janie. I bet Charlie agrees with me.

Hot mess

Jane Bea: And I bet he doesn’t. He’d be as happy as a pig in slop to have his friend datin’ my sister. He told me so. Darcy’s a hot mess, and Lizzy’s just the one to straighten him out. Now, hush up. He’s just about here.

Charlie: Hi, sugar. You ready to hit the floor? We can’t let those two have all the fun.

Jane Bea: Yep. It’s time to run with the big dogs or stay on the porch. Let’s get out there before the slow dance is over and we end up in a line dance instead.

Charlie: Don’t you like line dancin’, darlin’?

Jane Bea: You know I do, but I like slow dancin’ with you better.

Charlie: Nobody but me?

Jane Bea: Nobody but you, Charlie boy. You’re a hot mess, but you’re my hot mess. Any other gal who goes after you will draw back a nub.

Charlie: If I have to be a mess, at least I’m a hot one. Come on, sugar booger.

Caroline: I’m glad they’re gone. I thought I was gonna toss my cookies.

Emma: Are you all right, Caroline? Feelin’ sick? We could go back to the room.

Caroline: Emma, I love you, but sometimes you’re one fry short of a happy meal. Bless your heart.


Emma: You want me to get you some fries? There’s a waiter. I can call him over. He’s really cute. Maybe you can meet up with him after he gets off his shift.

Lydia: Lawd help you, Caroline. You’re so pitiful Emma’s tryin’ to fix you up with the waiter. Your Mama’d have to tie a pork chop around your neck to get the dog to play with you.

Bless Your Heart

Caroline: Lyddie, you don’t have the good sense God gave a goose. If you can’t think of anything better to say, just keep your mouth shut.

Lydia: Happy to oblige, honey, ‘cause I think that cowboy is headed this way, and he’s been makin’ eyes at me ever since we walked in. Let me show y’all how it’s done. My ears are already burnin’, ‘cause I know y’all will be talkin’ about me when I’m gone. I may as well meet him halfway. Bye, y’all!

Emma: Caroline, there’s a guy by himself at the bar. I can probably get him to come ask you to dance.

Caroline: Emma, I appreciate the thought, but I can do it myself. It’s easy as fallin’ off a log. I better go get him now. If he stays at the bar, he’ll be drivin’ the porcelain bus before long.

Kitty: I reckon I’ll come with you, Caroline. I don’t plan to spend my night in Atlanta sittin’ at a table watchin’ y’all having’ a high old time. I’m ready to paint the town.

Caroline: Come on then. That boy’s probably so broke he can’t pay attention, but he’s a hot mess. I won’t be around long enough to worry about the mess part.

Kitty: I hear y’all. Comin’, Emma?

Hot mess 4

Emma: I don’t know. Dancin’ makes me as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin’ chairs.

Caroline: Sweetheart, I know you’re so clumsy, you could trip over a cordless phone, bless your heart, but anybody can slow dance. Just hold onto him and sway.

Emma: Okay. I’ll try, but if I trip the guy or fall myself and break a leg, it’s your fault.

Caroline: It always is. Time to go, gals. We can’t let Lizzy have all the fun. Maybe I’ll dance with Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome after she’s finished.

Kitty: You just keep on tellin’ yourself that, Caroline. Keep the dream alive.

Caroline: Uh huh. We’ll see about that. Eat my dust.

Kitty: Tastes like chicken.


6 thoughts on “Southern Fried Austen

  1. Laura Hile

    Y’all have WAY too much fun trading insults. Where do you come up with this stuff, Robin? “Your Mama’d have to tie a pork chop around your neck to get the dog to play with you.” Bwahahaha!

    Liked by 1 person


Why yes, we DO want a piece of your mind. ;-)

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