Southern Fried Austen

All get out

Jane, Kitty, Caroline, and Emma were back in their adjoining hotel rooms in Atlanta, all piled up on one bed, clucking like hens over fresh corn, dishin’ over their night out.

Hot as all get out meme

Kitty: I danced with the best lookin’ guy in ten counties for half the night.

Emma: Ooooo! Did he get your number?

Kitty: Oh, he had my number, all right. He was real cute about it. Asked me if I was tired. Said I must be because I’d been runnin’ through his head ever since he’d first seen me in the restaurant. He said I was hotter than the bottom of his laptop, and that I must be a keyboard ‘cause I was just his type.



Caroline: Girl? You let him keep your attention all night with those tired pick-up lines? You’re dumb as all get out. Did he say he loves you like a fat kid loves cake?

Kitty: How’d you know?

Caroline: Well, his lines were old and tired, and the first time I heard that one, I laughed so hard I kicked the slats right out of my crib. Seem’d like somethin’ he would say. Didn’t you notice he kept checkin’ his phone? I did.

Kitty: I saw him look at it a couple of times. Why?

Caroline: Well, when a man does that, he’s either talkin’ to another girl, lookin’ for a place to go, or googlin’ pick-up lines for dummies. Looks like your man was googlin’. Whatever he was doin’, he wasn’t keepin’ his wanderin’ eyes on you.

Kitty: Well, I didn’t aim to marry him. I just wanted a man to dance with, and he fit the bill. I know he was so dumb he could throw himself at the floor and miss, but he could move like nobody’s business.

So dumb

Jane: Caroline, quit bein’ ugly. So how’d it go with you and the cowboy?

Caroline: Fine as frog hair, sweetie. He tried that phone junk with me, and I told him to put that doohickey back in his pocket or I’d find me a guy who knew a good thing when he saw it. I told him I woke up with one nerve left, and he was gettin’ on it.

Jane: (laughing) What’d he say to that?

Quit being ugly

Caroline: Told me not to fly off the handle. He said I melted his butter, and he turned his phone off and put it up. I didn’t see it again, and if anything was vibratin’, it wasn’t his phone.

Jane Bea: Caroline! You’re bad as all get out. Emma, did you have fun? I saw you dancin’ with the guy in a white T shirt.

Redneck abs

Caroline: (snorts) That boy was so chubby he’d a had to lean his stomach on a fence to have abs. Where’re Lyddie and Lizzy? They gonna stay out all night?

Kitty: Heavens to Betsy, Caroline! Give it a rest. You just got your feathers ruffled when Lizzy and Darcy left together. That man hasn’t got your name stamped on him, and you aren’t Lyddie and Lizzy’s mama.

Caroline: Oh, my word. Don’t have a conniption. I wasn’t the one who said Darcy was gettin’ above his raisin’. He just waltzed off with your sister, and she doesn’t give a hoot about him. He’ll learn you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. Then he’ll come back to me. I deserve him.

Above your raisin'

Jane Bea: Honey, I’m not quite sure what you deserve, but don’t call my sister a sow’s ear again. You’re bout to aggravate the stew out of me fussin’ about Lizzy and Darcy. The man must have taken a shine to her. You might as well get that bee out of your bonnet.

Aggravatin' the stew out of me

Caroline: Jane Beatrice! I’ve known you since you were knee high to a grasshopper, and you’ve always been sweet as sugar. Did you get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning’, darlin’?

Jane Bea: I used the same side I always do. The door knob’s rattlin’. Must be Lyddie or Lizzy.

Lyddie: Hi, y’all! That man was so sweet I could just sop him up with a biscuit.

Caroline: Did you see Lizzy?

Lyddie: Why? You lookin’ for her? I was too busy with my own date to worry about Lizzy’s. I thought I saw you dancin’ with a cowboy, Caroline. Looked like you two were gettin’ along.

Slower than molasses

Caroline: We got along fine. He was slow as molasses in January, but he served the purpose, and he looked real good while he served it.

Lyddie: I never give a rip about whether a man’s slow or not. If they’re dumb as rocks, they’re easier to handle. Do just what I tell ‘em to. Anyway, I’m turnin’ in. I’m limp as a dishrag. Y’all carry on. ‘Night!

Caroline: Well, I never. She didn’t tell us a dadgum thing.

Kitty: I’m hittin’ the hay, too. Later, taters.

Emma: (yawns) I’ll be in our room, Caroline.

Caroline: Don’t wait up for me, Emma.

Fixin' to

Jane Bea: I’m fixin’ to go to bed, too, Caroline. Why don’t you go on to your room? You can pump Lizzy for details tomorrow.

Caroline: I’m not waitin’ up for her. I wanted to spend time with y’all.

Jane Bea: Right. Well, if you’re sittin’ up with me, I’m feelin’ much better now. I’m goin’ to hit the sack, so don’t stay up on my account.

Caroline: Well, if that don’t take the cake. I guess I’ll go to my room. See you in the mornin’.

Jane Bea: We may sleep in, so don’t call too early. We usually get up with the chickens, but we might sleep ‘til eight in the mornin’. My Pawpaw may roll over in his grave. (yawns) ‘Night, Caroline.

Caroline: Well, if you’re not worried, I won’t be. After all, we don’t know Darcy that well. He could be an axe murderer. Lizzy might be by the road somewhere, cut up in little pieces.

Redneck sayings

Jane Bea: I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck, Caroline. You’re not here ‘cause you care about Lizzy. Darcy’s your brother’s best friend, and he grew up a hop, skip, and a jump from you. Just go on to bed. She’s a big girl. She can take care of herself.

Caroline: I’m goin’. Just don’t come cryin’ to me if the troopers find her in a ditch somewhere. I’m gone.

Jane Bea: Lizzy, you can come out of the bathroom now. They’ve all left.


7 thoughts on “Southern Fried Austen

    1. Robin Helm Post author

      Feel free to use any line you like, anywhere you like. My choir director said that to us a couple of weeks ago. I knew I had to use it. Ha!

      Liked by 1 person


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