Southern Fried Austen

A fur piece

Darcy made sure he was right alongside Lizzy during the NASCAR race, and when it was over, he took her hand and led her to his car. He opened the door for her and leaned in for a smooch. Lizzy busied herself with her seat belt and pretended not to know what he was doin’. He gave up and closed her door. When he got into the driver’s seat, he took her hand and smiled at her.

Darcy: No kiss for me? No sugar, Sugar?

Lizzy: When you’re my honey, I’ll give you sugar.

Darcy: I danced with you all night, and I’ve been stuck to you like a tick on a hound dog all day. What does it take to make me your honey, Honey?

Lizzy: You got to ask me.

Darcy: This is me, asking.

Lizzy: You can be cute as a bug when you set your mind to it. I reckon you’ll do. Give me sugar, then.

Darcy: Umm… That was right nice. Mighty fine.

Lizzy: This is a big ole car. Is this what rich Southern boys are driving these days? I like it. What is it?

Darcy: It’s a Range Rover. White, because of the heat down here.

Lizzy: It’s big as our house.

Darcy: I’m tall. I’d have to do an origami job on my legs to get them into a little car like yours.

Lizzy: Probably costs more than our house, too.

Darcy: Does my money bother you, Sweetheart?

Fur piece

Lizzy: A little.

Darcy: Well, I don’t plan on giving it all away. You’ll just have to get over it.

Lizzy: I’ll work on that. Let’s get goin’. It’s a fur piece to Sugarfield.

Darcy: A fur piece. I haven’t heard that one since I was in short pants.

Lizzy: ‘Cause you’ve been away at that fancy Yankee school. Why’d you come back to the sticks?

Darcy: Just for the record, I got my bachelor’s degree at a Yankee school, but I got my master’s in California. I came back here ‘cause I missed you Southern girls and your drawl.

Lizzy: Good answer. California, huh? It’s a wonder you aren’t weirder than you are. You know, Jane Bea and I were in the Piggly Wiggly the other day and a snowbird was strolling her cart behind us. I told Jane we needed to get up with the sun and leave for Atlanta early, since it’s a fur piece from Sugarfield. That Yankee lady heard me, and she pitched a hissy fit, right there in the canned vegetables.

Fur meme

Darcy: (laughing) What’d she say?

Lizzy: She was going on and on about animal rights and Peeta. Said she was gonna call Peeta on us. I asked her how she knew the guy who was in “Hunger Games,” and she stomped off faster than a one-legged man in a butt-kickin’ competition. There’s a tree stump in a Louisiana swamp with an IQ higher than that woman’s. Peeta never said anything about animal rights in that movie. For heaven’s sake, Katniss and Gale were hunters. That’s how they stayed alive. Course I didn’t tell her that. Southern hospitality and all.

Darcy: It’s PETA. P – E – T – A. That’s an acronym for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. They’re against people wearing furs or anything else made of animal skins. Guess they don’t have a chapter in Sugarfield, but it’s huge in California.

Lizzy: Holy moley! You’re greenin’ me. What are the guys supposed to do with the skins of the animals they hunt?

Darcy: PETA is against hunting.

Lizzy: You’ve got to be pullin’ my leg. Don’t they know that the meat in the supermarket came from animals, and they had to die to end up in that plastic wrappin’? Don’t they carry leather pocket books and wear leather coats and pants? Leather’s made from animal skins. So’s suede.

Fur boots

Darcy: A lot of them won’t buy anything made out of leather or eat meat.

Lizzy: Don’t tinkle down my back and tell me it’s rainin’. No steak or barbecued ribs? No fried chicken or fish? No country ham or Jimmy Dean sausage?

Darcy: Nope. Some will eat chicken or fish, but not red meat. Some won’t eat anything that comes from an animal. They say they won’t “eat anything that has a face.”

Lizzy: No milk or cheese? No Duke’s mayonnaise or eggs? No pizza? No wonder they’re so grumpy. You’re just playin’ with me, right?

Darcy: This isn’t how I play.

Lizzy: Oh? Do tell. How do you play?

Darcy: I like all sort of things – concerts, sports, board games, walking on the beach, getting up to see the sunrise, racing, flying my plane –

Lizzy: Woah! Back the truck up. You have a plane? Fur real? Of your very own?

Darcy: I do. Want to fly with me?

Lizzy: Doggone. I’m so in over my head with you.

Fur real

Darcy: I’m halfway to head over heels for you, Lizzy. Fly with me next Saturday.

Lizzy: Are you good at it?

Darcy: I’m good at lots of things, but I’m a very good pilot. You’re safe with me.

Lizzy: I have a feeling I’m never safe with you, but I’d like to fly with you Saturday. Where’re we goin’?

Darcy: A fur piece for supper.

Lizzy: (giggles) You ain’t right.

Darcy: Never claimed to be.

Lizzy: I’m gonna eat meat and wear leather.

Darcy: I got me a wild woman. I think I like it. You ain’t right, either.

Lizzy: You’re grinnin’ like a possum eatin’ a sweet tater.

Darcy: Well, you make me happy as a dead pig layin’ in the sunshine.

Lizzy: Look at you talkin’ Southern.

Darcy: I have a grandmaw, too. Lizzy. When you’re born and raised here, you’re always Southern, no matter where you go. She’d take me down a notch if I got too uppity.

Lizzy: We might just get along after all.

Darcy: Done deal. That possum’s on the stump. We’re like two peas in a pod now.

Lizzy: Ooooo. I love it when you talk Southern to me. With the right accent, too. I’m so glad you didn’t forget your raisin’ I think I’ll keep you.

Southern talk

Darcy: I think I’ll let you. You make me as happy as if I had good sense.

Lizzy: Pull over and give me some sugar.

Darcy: That’s why God made rest stops.


8 thoughts on “Southern Fried Austen

Why yes, we DO want a piece of your mind. ;-)

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