Southern Fried Austen

A Dyin’ Duck Fit

Darcy got up to leave the restaurant with Lizzy, but Caroline was too speedy for him. She’d grabbed Emma by the arm and was on her way back before he could get Harriet’s attention to make their order take-out, so he and Lizzy were stuck. He was fast enough to move to the other side of the table and sit by Lizzy so’s he wouldn’t be stuck by Caroline. He knew well enough she’d grab a seat by him quicker than he could ask, “Who’s your Momma?” She was fit to be tied when she flounced up to the table, draggin’ Emma behind her, and saw him movin’ to sit by Lizzy.

Caroline: I swanee, Darcy! Why’d you switch places? You think I have cooties?

Lizzy: Caroline, your face is plum red and you’re breakin’ a sweat. Everybody’s lookin’ at us, so sit down, lower your voice, and stop havin’ a dyin’ duck fit.

dyin' duck fit

Caroline: (stamps her foot) You don’t tell me what to do, Lizzy Bennet. Everybody knows you’re too poor to paint and too proud to whitewash. I don’t know why Darcy’s settlin’ for hamburger when he could have steak.

Darcy: That’s about enough, Caroline. Do your business, or get off the pot. I’m ready to eat and get back on the road.

Emma: Please, Caroline. Sit down by me. The waitress is comin’.

Caroline: Switch places with me. I don’t want to sit across from Lizzy and have to look at her while I eat. It’ll put me off my food.

Lizzy: Caroline, if your brains were dynamite, you couldn’t blow your nose. Nothin’ ever put you off your food in your whole life. You ate a double cheeseburger in the ambulance after you broke your leg in a car wreck. I don’t think I look as bad as a compound fracture.

Caroline: Get out of my face, girl, or I’ll jerk you bald. You got beat with the ugly stick, and seein’ your face’ll make me lose my appetite. I’d rather stare directly at the sun with binoculars than look at you.

Lizzy: Well, you got whupped with the whole forest, and I can stand to look at you. Now, you’ve said your piece. Time to make nice. Nobody wants to hear us squabble. We can eat lunch together next week and trade insults just for kicks.

Caroline: Pig ‘n Vittles on Wednesday?

Lizzy: Regular as an old lady on fiber pills. I’ll tell Jane to meet us.

Harriet: What’ll you have ladies? Emma Woodhouse, as I live and breathe! Is that you? I haven’t seen you in a month of Sundays.

Emma: Well I be John Brown! Is that you Harriet? Where’ve you been, girl?

Harriet: I’ve been married ever since high school. I live here with my husband and two kids.

Emma: Who’d you marry?

Harriet: My marriage license says Harriet Martin. You figure it out.

Emma: Robert Martin? Oh, Harriet. He was never good enough for you.

Harriet: No, Em. He was never good enough for you. He’s plenty for me. Now, what do you ladies want to eat?

Caroline: I’ll have whatever he’s havin’.

When life hands you lemons

Lizzy: (laughing) You sure about that, Sugar Booger?

Caroline: I’ll bite. What’d you order, Darcy?

Darcy: Roast chicken with a side salad and light Mediterrean dressing. Unsweet iced tea.

Caroline: Aw, heck no! I’m so hungry I could eat the north end of a south bound polecat. What’re you havin’ Lizzy?

Darcy: She’s havin’ a heart attack on a plate.

Caroline: Let me guess. Fried chicken, batter-dipped and double breaded? Sweet tea?

Lizzy: You know me well.

Caroline: Yep. All our lives. Well, then, let’s add on a baked potato with butter, sour cream, cheese, and bacon.

Lizzy: Dag nabbit. I knew I forgot somethin’. Put bacon on mine, too, Harriet.

Harriet: Sure thing, Darlin’. Emma, what’ll you have?

vegetables

Emma: A heapin’ helpin’ of humble pie with two extra-large side orders of I’m an idiot and I’m sorry. Sometimes I’m about as sharp as a cue ball. Congratulations on your marriage, Harriet. I can see you’re happy. You have pictures of your kids?

Harriet: It’s all good, Honey. I’ll show you a couple I posted on Instagram before you leave.

Emma: You’re on Instagram? We’ll have to follow each other. I’ve missed you.

Harriet: Bless your sweet heart, Emma. I’ve missed you, too. My boss is lookin’, so I’ve got to stop jawin’ and take your order.

Emma: It all sounds good to me. How about I have chicken like Caroline’s and a salad like Darcy’s except with Ranch dressing? I can’t stand unsweet tea, though. Stick your finger in mine and make it sweet.

Harriet: You’re too sweet already, Em. I’ll go give your order to the cook. I’ll tell him to get right on it so your food comes out at the same time as theirs. Be right back, Sugar.

Darcy: There’s so much sweetness floating around here I’m about to go into a sugar coma.

Lizzy: You’d rather talk about the weather? It’s so dry the trees are bribin’ the dogs.

Darcy: That’s more like it. Stick to manly topics like the weather or sports.

Lizzy: Or one of the World Wars. I declare, the History Channel was invented just so men could watch the World Wars all the time.

Caroline: If you like baseball, the Knights are playin’ Saturday night. We could all go together.

Darcy: Not this Saturday. We already have plans.

Caroline: Doin’ what? Who with?

Darcy: I’m taking Lizzy flying, and then we might shop for a hog or ride the trails around her house.

Caroline: Jump back! You fly planes?

Darcy: I do. We’re going up in mine. Thought we might ride down to the beach for lunch.

Caroline: Sounds like fun. I’m in.

Darcy: Sorry, Caroline. It’s a two-seater, and both seats are taken.

Emma: Maybe you can go hog-shoppin’ with them, Caroline. There’s a pig farm on some of the land your daddy leases out to tenants. You know lots about porkers.

Lizzy: He meant a motorcycle, Emma, not an actual hog.

Caroline: You getting’ a Harley, Darcy? Charlie wants one, too. Maybe we could all meet up at the Harley place.

Lizzy: Give it up, Caroline. It’s a date, not a group outing.

Caroline: A date? With you? You have more chins than a Chinese phone book!

Darcy: Caroline, if beauty was measured in trash, Lizzy’d be a landfill. Don’t talk about my girl.

Caroline: Your girl? Well, aren’t you the poster child for birth control! Come on, Em. Let’s eat with Jane and Charlie. Lydia and Kitty are sittin’ with two guys they met at the race.

Emma: But, Caroline! I like talking to Lizzy and Darcy. I don’t usually get to spend time with them, and I’m always with you.

Caroline: The meter’s tickin’ here, Emma. Move!

Emma: Bye, y’all. Tell Harriet where we are.

Lizzy: Sure will, Sweetie.

caroline defcon 1

Darcy: Well, she went out like she came in.

Lizzy: Emma?

Darcy: Caroline. What’s a dyin’ duck fit anyway?

Lizzy: Well, there’s a fit, then there’s a hissy fit, then there’s a duck fit, then there’s a DEFCON 1 dyin’ duck fit.

Darcy: That’s Caroline. She has “dyin’ duck fit” tattooed on her forehead.

Lizzy: I thought it was “666.” I really think they went too deep with the tattoo needles and did brain damage. So, I’m a landfill, huh? Very smooth, Will. You really know how to turn a girl’s head with the sweet talk.

Darcy: You make me happier than a woodpecker in a lumber yard.

Lizzy: Smooth talkin’ devil.

Darcy: When I’m with you, I’m happy as a dog with two tails.

Lizzy: (laughing) Did you find a Southern Sayings app for your phone? You’re adorable when you talk Southern.

Y'all ain't right

Darcy: You said to talk Southern to you. I aim to please.

Lizzy: Your aim’s real good, too. I might have to keep you.

Darcy: That’s what I’m aimin’ for. Your shoulder fits right into my armpit when we’re standing up and I put my arm around you. We were meant to be.

 

Lizzy: It’s a sign from heaven, all right. I always look for shoulder-armpit compatibility in my relationships. Lucky I’m so short.

Darcy: Darlin’, you’re not short. You’re fun-sized.

Lizzy: Y’all ain’t right.

17 thoughts on “Southern Fried Austen

    1. Robin Helm Post author

      Your stomach may hurt, but your emotional health is good. You need four belly laughs a day to maintain emotional stability. I’ve taken on the burden of providing those laughs on Thursday. Somone else will have to step up and be funny the other six days of the week. I’m on the front porch with a glass of iced tea, exhausted from the effort.

      Liked by 3 people

      Reply
  1. J "Joy" Dawn King

    My husband comes home from work and before he even kisses me ‘hello’, he asks, “has she posted yet?” I only wish I could remember most of these. Our favorite this week? ‘If your brains were dynamite, you couldn’t blow your nose.” I even shared that one with the nurse at my doctor’s office today. We were still laughing when the doctor (from India who doesn’t even get West coast humor) came in. Positively well done, Robin!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

Why yes, we DO want a piece of your mind. ;-)

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