Southern Fried Austen

Don’t worry.

Lizzy kept on trying on clothes, and Darcy kept on encouraging her by talking about how good she looked. While she was in the dressing room, he called his sister Georgia to come help him. Georgia had been hoping he would call, and she was at CW’s within a few minutes.

Lizzy: What do you think about this evening gown? I’m not sure about the neckline.

Darcy: It’s perfect for you.

Georgia: (walking in) I agree.

Lizzy: Georgia! I’m happy as a pig in slop that you’re here. Your brother likes everything I put on. I can’t tell if he’s just sayin’ it to be nice or if the outfits really look good.

Georgia: I picked out every piece of clothing you have with you specifically in mind. Of course it’s all wonderful.  How could you doubt me? Why are you worried?

Lizzy: I’ve just never had so much attention focused on how I look. I’ve always just done the best I could do and let the rough end drag.

Let the rough end drag

Georgia: Huh?

Darcy: She’s never worried about her appearance before. This is all new for her.

Georgia: Well, I’m just goin’ to have to teach you then, Lizzy.

Lizzy: Can’t you just pick stuff out for me? I’m worried I won’t get it right.

Georgia: My mama says that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.

Lizzy: Mine says that if you fill your head with worries, there won’t be room for anything else. That’s one of the reasons I never worried about what I wore. If I liked it, that was good enough. I was more interested in keepin’ my grades high and workin’ after school. I had to have scholarship money.

Darcy: We don’t really want to change you into something you’re not. Georgie and I hope you’ll like what we choose for you, and you’ll see the pattern. She can talk to you about colors, shapes, and fabrics. This is her thing. She’s good at it.

Georgia: Ha! I don’t expect you to be as good at fashion as I am. I love it. You don’t. But you’re smart. You can learn to recognize what looks good on you and what doesn’t.

Worrying

Lizzy: I’ve always had to shop on a budget. I bet these clothes cost a fortune. I’d never have looked at them because of the price tag.

Darcy: In CW’s, you are not to look at price tags. Whatever looks good on you is yours, if you like it. We’ll never insist that you wear something you don’t like.

Georgia: Well, I might push just a little. It’s my thing, you know.

Lizzy: Easy for you to say. You’re rich as homemade butter.

Darcy: The only thing money gives me is the freedom from worrying about money. It’s not the answer to every problem.

Lizzy: But won’t people get the wrong idea about me if I wear something cut this low?

Darcy: That’s not low. Nothing is showin’ that wouldn’t show in a modest swimsuit. You’re walkin’ around with an umbrella, just waitin’ for it to rain, sugar. Hang those worries out to dry.

Lizzy: You promise I don’t look like a hoochie mama?

Darcy: You’re my girl. I don’t want anyone lookin’ at you that way. Trust me?

Lizzy: I trust you more than anyone not named “Bennet,” and more than most people who are.

Georgia: Worry is a misuse of imagination. I’m going to teach you to think of clothes in a new way. Imagine yourself in this swimsuit, for instance.

Lizzy: I thought you liked me, Georgie. You know I can’t wear that. My thunder thighs will be on speakin’ terms with each other.

Darcy: I’ve seen your legs in shorts and skirts. You’re beautiful. No, you’re not a toothpick, but you’re not heavy either. All this worrying is pointless. A day of worry is more tiring than a week of work. It’s like worrying about a spider. He’s smaller than you.

Lizzy: Yeah. So is a hand grenade.

Georgia: The gown is a yes. Go try on the swimsuit.

Lizzy: Is Caroline gone?

Darcy: No, she isn’t, but it doesn’t matter. Stop worryin’ about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey. Caroline will be in all the same pageants you’re in. She’ll see all these clothes eventually.

Lizzy: I think I can do that if I use my imagination.

Georgia: Now, you’re talkin’. What are you imaginin’?

Lizzy: That Caroline is a pothole.

Darcy: Good job. Worryin’ is about as effective as tryin’ to solve an algebraic equation with bubble gum. If Caroline is a pothole, what are you?

Lizzy: I’m asphalt.

Darcy: You crack me up. Why are you asphalt?

Lizzy: Asphalt is stronger than potholes. It’s used to build roads and fill in the potholes and cracks.

Darcy: If Caroline’s a pothole and you’re asphalt, what am I?

Lizzy: That’s easy. You’re the lines down the middle of the road and on the sides.

Darcy: I’ll bite. Why am I the lines?

Lizzy: Because you keep me centered and stop me from running off in the wrong direction.

Darcy: I like it. Without the road, there’d be no lines. Without the asphalt, I’d just be paint with nowhere to go.

Georgia: Too deep for me. Go put on the swimsuit, Lizzy.

Lizzy: Yes, ma’am. (leaves)

Georgia: Are you two always like that?

Darcy: Pretty much.

Georgia: Adorable. Oh, no. Here comes Caroline.

Lizzy: Well, what do you think?

Caroline: You can’t seriously be considering walking in front of people in that swimsuit. Your hiney looks like two gophers fightin’ in a gunny sack.

Lizzy: Well, it will take a while to lose that mental picture. You’re probably right, Caroline. I’ll just mosey on back into the dressin’ room now and change into some jeans.

Georgia: Caroline, you are evil, and you must be destroyed.

Evil

Caroline: Why? I was just tellin’ the gospel truth.

Darcy: Now, Georgie. You can’t blame Caroline for pickin’ at Lizzy. It’s been my experience that some girls always cut down the girl they’re the most jealous of.

Caroline: That’s not true. I’m not jealous of her. I’m just in a bad mood because you and Charlie didn’t let me have first choice of the clothes.

Darcy: You’ve been in a bad mood since the day you were born. You’ve done enough damage today. I think you need to go now.

Caroline: Fine. I don’t like this store anyway, and I’ll tell all my friends. (flounces off and slams door)

Georgia: Both of them?

Darcy: No big loss. I doubt her buds would shop at a consignment store.

Lizzy: Is she gone?

Georgia: Yep. Why?

Lizzy: I’m going to show you my swimsuit walk.

Darcy: Really? I thought you’d want to quit.

Lizzy: My courage rises with every attempt to intimidate me. I’m sick to death of her jabs. The best revenge will be to beat her, and I intend to do it. She just got my back up.

Courage

Darcy: That’s my Lizzy. Caroline didn’t know who she was messin’ with.

Lizzy: Like my mama says, “Smile. It increases your face value.”

Georgia: Mine says, “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”

Lizzy: Yep. You can’t make chicken salad without some chicken poo.

Darcy: Very pithy. Now let’s see that walk.

smile

Lizzy: Because you’re mine, I’ll walk the line.

Darcy: I love that you make me laugh.

Lizzy: Then I’ll never stop doing it.

 

5 thoughts on “Southern Fried Austen

  1. tgruy

    “It’s like worrying about a spider. He’s smaller than you.
    Lizzy: Yeah. So is a hand grenade.” :DDD

    You really make me laugh so hard… my stomach hurts…

    A really wonderful chapter!! Thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  2. Susan Kaye

    I guess I don’t get the spider thing. I’m The Crusher in our house. As long as I have a big enough wad of toilet paper or Kleenex, I can pass out retribution to all of spiderkind. Though, all the way to the trash, I swear I feel little legs wiggling.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Why yes, we DO want a piece of your mind. ;-)

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