Category Archives: Eeewww

Stuck between a possum and a spider

Not the smile he was expecting! Photo: Daniel Johnson (Creative Commons Flickr)

Not the most welcoming smile! Photo: Daniel Johnson (Creative Commons Flickr)

“You have got to be kidding me.” That’s how my Nathan put it.  Grad school study exhaustion is one thing, but nocturnes too? Right at the front door?

“I’m day shift, he’s night shift.” Humans and nocturnes might share the same living space, but we aren’t supposed to cross paths. In the middle of the night, nobody wants to stumble on an opossum. Those teeth, that creepy rat tail, the hissing…

“So I had to stand there, because you know how slow opossums are.”  Nathan waited while it scuttled away, swaying on his feet from no sleep and too much coffee.

Volunteer Doorman? Photo: David Lee (Creative Commons Flickr)

Self-appointed doorman! Photo: David Lee (Creative Commons Flickr)

“Dude, really?” Not done yet! Another hungry hunter barred Nathan’s way. A spider–the fat kind with long legs–had built a web right in the door frame. So Nathan had to hunt around for a stick to clear the way.

“It figures. The two things I hate most.” Nathan hates spiders, like really hates them. And opossums are not high on his list either, not since chasing one around his friend’s kitchen. Also in the middle of the night.

“There was another spider on the living room wall, but I went upstairs.” This shows how exhausted Nathan was, because he is our vigilant spider hunter. If spiders come inside, he wants them dead. Want to know how much he loathes them? The other day he was wondering if there was a way for spiders to get out of a vacuum bag.

Thus a new saying has been born. See, there’s no creep factor in “Stuck between a rock and a hard place.” So when I’m wiped out and things get scary bad, I’m using “Stuck between a possum and a spider.”

Laura Hile (1)


Of Mice and Young Men


Want something done? Put your tech sons on it. It turns out my guys can do way more than set up Chromecast and Netflix. They can solve a mouse problem. Like, for real.

Amazon Prime to the rescue! Before I could get to the store or even ponder available options, Nathan had already been on-line. “I’ve ordered a trap,” he announced Friday. “It’ll be here in two days.” Sure enough, when we got home from church this afternoon, a package was on the front mat.

Tell you what, young men don’t mess around. Nathan read reviews and chose a trap that works by electrocution. You know, like an electric chair or something.  (“Mom, I don’t want to torture them.”) Plus, one trap can be used, like, 100+ times. Mice, like rabbits, are not solo for long, not when food is involved.

A critical caveat: Do NOT delegate rodent removal to high schoolers. That is, unless you are prepared for outrageous male ‘seek-and-destroy’ antics. To illustrate: Nathan’s friend Tyler had a sleepover with all the high school pals. Video games! Awesome snacks! No sleep! During the middle of the night, a rodent showed up.

Zap! One and done.

Zap! “Never touch a dead mouse again.”

That’s right, an opossum came slinking in through the cat door. In the kitchen he was, crunching dry cat food. Nathan said he couldn’t believe his eyes. Did he keep this news to himself?  Not on your life. Can you imagine the bedlam? The broom was involved, and manly yelling, and laughing, and chasing. Nathan’s friend ran to his closet to get his souvenir katana (Japanese samurai sword). Seriously. When I heard about this, I almost felt sorry for the opossum. (Almost. I hate-hate-hate opossums.)

Tonight Michael and Nathan will arm the trap. Peanut butter and four AA batteries should do the trick. A little green light will flash, indicating a kill. (I know, ew.)

My solution for our mouse problem would be more prosaic and less humane: I’d borrow Ben and Jessica’s Domino for a weekend, ha.

Domino (Photo: Ben Lyons)

But does sweet Domino know how to hunt mice? Guess I’ll never find out.  (Photo: Ben Lyons)

Because there’s usually a solution involving a cat, right? Just saying.

Laura Hile (1)


Mouse graphic courtesy of The Graphics Fairy.

I Had to Laugh … Fishing and Cutting Bait

DSC_3951_Iván_Melenchón_Serrano_MorgueFile - CopyIt’s official. I am now old and my church doesn’t care what I think. Not that my opinion has been keeping the old girl afloat all these years, but it’s now official.

We have new décor at our church and I don’t like it. I’m not going to describe it because to do so would bring out my long knives. Just let me quote Mark Ruffalo’s Bruce Banner character from “The Avengers,” “Well, this is pretty … terrible.

I’m not going to be one of those people who huffs out the doors over the color of the new carpet or choir robes. By-the-bye, for over 30 years I’ve heard about those sorts of epic struggles in the Body of Christ and have yet to see one. Pettiness has been a feature of every church I’ve attended but most splits  have been ignited by differing doctrine, and once theology was the detonator.

Anyway, for a long time I’ve disliked the music at our church. Church music has been shifting for a while and I haven’t shifted with it. My problem is that I am not musical. I have little in the way of rhythm, and cannot carry a tune. I forget the words unless they are printed out and I’m just too busy actually thinking about the words and their meaning to try and keep time. Let’s just say that praise and worship for me is difficult. We have never been a hymnal kind of church—those I do well with, figures—and so have always used projections systems. Over a year ago  we started using backgrounds with motion. These were a problem for me as my eyes are lousy, which means the movement plays tricks with the lettering. I was/am also distracted trying to find the point at which the movement starts to loop. This coupled with the Jesus-is-my-boyfriend nature of current worship music, and you see I’m really in trouble.

LightsBack to the décor. With the lights–yes, there are lights–and new textured surfaces, there is even more to see. The lights on the new features stay on during the sermon so I have even more to distract me.

Here’s the crazy, upside-down part of this: our pastor’s sermons are excellent.

Most people have complaints about dry, irrelevant preaching. Not so here. I have nothing negative to say in that regard.

My problem is the the falderal that surrounds the sermons. For me, it’s like being a fan of chocolate and only being able to get liver-wrapped truffles. Ugh.

We have no plans to leave because every church has it’s problems and I am comfortable with this set and have no interest in getting used to those of others.

My daughter just pointed out some wisdom that very much applies to my situation: “Follies and nonsense, whims and inconsistencies do divert (distract)  me I own, and I laugh at them whenever I can.” – Jane Austen.

I am famous for saying you learn the most from reading badly written books. When reading a bad book you learn what not to do with characters and plot, you learn what you really dislike in storytelling, and when there is a good turn-of-phrase it stands out brilliantly. I suppose I should be prepared to learn what really matters to me in a church setting. I think I’m going to be learning and laughing  a lot.

Take care.

Think before you post that pic.

I know famous people, and I'm one of them!

I know famous people, and I’m one of them!

“Increased frequency of sharing photographs of the self, regardless of the type of target sharing the photographs, is related to a decrease in intimacy,” says a study conducted jointly by the University of Birmingham, the University of Edinburgh, and Heriot-Watt University.

Don't mess with my baby girl. She knows Samuel L. Jackson.

Don’t mess with my baby girl. She knows
Samuel L. Jackson.

These folks could have saved themselves a bundle of money by simply asking regular Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram users what they think of a flood of “selfies.” I don’t have Instagram, but I can look a the pictures on it, so I have formed an (ahem!) opinion. Many people who constantly share pictures of themselves tend to have fewer deep friendships and more shallow relationships. They are living their lives through the social media without much personal contact with other people.

However, if you already have a relationship with the people viewing the “selfies,” you probably won’t irritate them into blocking you or “unfriending” you. Some of your friends will even like keeping up with you in that way.

I have observed that there are several types of “selfies.” Some are funny and quirky, and I like those.

Patrick Stewart and I are best buds. He's the best "Star Trek" captain, hands down.

Patrick Stewart and I are best buds. He’s the premier “Star Trek” captain, hands down.

Some are taken to prove the person met a famous person. I get it.

Just don't tell Nancy about this.

Just don’t tell Nancy about this.

If I met Colin Firth, and he agreed to a picture with me, I would jump at the chance.

Others border on the pornographic; somebody’s mom and dad need to monitor their children before a pedophile finds them.

Then, there are those shots in the bathroom mirror right after a girl gets ready for a night out. She’s looking good, and she wants everyone to know it.

Here’s a free clue: Don’t take pictures of yourself in the bathroom – ever.

My least favorites of the “selfies,” which are by far the most numerous, are the “I have my shirt off to show you my ripped abs, my ‘assets,’ or my new tattoo” varieties. Just hashtag it #yesiamnarcissistic.

Tell me that's not Bruce Willis in a Hawaiian shirt. At least he has his shirt on.

Tell me that’s not Bruce Willis in a Hawaiian shirt. At least he has his shirt on.

Another thing to think about before you post that pic – nothing ever really disappears from the internet, and it could come back to bite you. People have lost their jobs over posts. Stalking is at an all-time high, and it’s easy. Google your own name and see what comes up. Scary stuff.

And, yes, I did meet Patrick Stewart and Ronald Reagan.

So this is Love? I think not.

Miss Elliot, guest contributor

Elizabeth Elliot, guest contributor

Today I’d like to share a few quotations that I can live without.

The topic: True Love. The source: an Internet poetry site.

Original thoughts from artistic minds.

Or … not.

Which of these speaks to you?

“You know you are truly in love when a simple touch or look brings a feeling of utter happiness over your body!”

Apparently, then, last night I fell in love with a strawberry cheesecake.

“They say ‘The person we love is a candle lighting our soul.’ If that is true, then you are the sun burning my soul.”

Ah, the scorched soul. This would be both painful and disfiguring.

“I believe that true love will last forever… if it doesn’t it just means there’s someone else out there who loves you more.”

So someone I’ve never met loves me more than someone I know? How … nice.

“True love dz not depend on d thgs uve shared but it depend on how much you sacrifieced 4 him/her….”

True love does depend on clear communication. Using English, not textspeak. (For instance, are we speaking of sharing ‘things’ here? Or ‘thugs’? Hm’m.)

True love is when you touch another’s soul just by being yourself.

But what if you are boorish? Or a selfish pig? Or a whiner? “Be Yourself” is not always a good idea.

“True love only comes once in a lifetime, so take it as it goes and enjoy every bit of it.”

In other words, I have one (1) chance of happiness. O happy thought!

“Love is true when it comes from the heart, not from the mouth.”

So silence is golden? Love means never having to say anything? Read on …

“True love is when when you can talk on the phone for hours…without saying one word. Except for the occasionally, I love you.”

It seems to me that to talk on the phone silently is to fall asleep!

“Love is true when there aren’t words to describe how you feel and actions never seem to be enough.”

Ha. That last bit sounds rather like a guilt trip.

“True love is letting go. True love is never letting your heart let go.”

Is this profound? Or profoundly contradictory?

“Only those lovers that can compromise with one another without feeling stressed are truly in love!”

So love means never having to say I’m stressed? (But alas, I so often am!)

“I thought I loved him, but he had to break my heart for me to know what true love really is.”

He’s gone, I’m alone, and it’s over. So much for True Love.

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather have the strawberry cheesecake!

So, dear reader, which of these quotations can you live without?

Elizabeth Elliot is filling in for Laura Hile who, having finished teaching,
is at large for the weekend.

No Bugs, Milady

In full Marie Antoinette mode, The United Nations has proclaimed, “Let them eat bugs!” The international organization is advocating the protein-rich diet to deal with feeding an exploding global population and addressing growing environmental concerns.

Variety of Insects

Variety of Insects

To accommodate the 9 billion people who will supposedly inhabit Earth by 2050, we need to double current food production. Because land is scarce, expanding the area devoted to farming is rarely a viable or sustainable option. Oceans are already over fished. To meet the food and nutritional challenges of today and feed the nearly one billion chronically hungry people worldwide, we need to find new sources of food. The idea is that we must stop obliterating insects and eat them instead. More than two billion people already regularly consume insects as food. We Westerners don’t because of a cultural distaste which is considered to be irrational by the rest of the world.

I'm with Jessica. A bug is a bug, even if it's covered in chocolate.

I’m with Jessica. A bug is a bug, even if it’s covered in chocolate.

If you’re on a diet, 100 grams of cricket yield 121 calories, 12.9 grams of protein, 5.5 grams of fat, 5.1 grams of carbohydrates, and 75.8 milligrams of calcium. Other insects scoring high in nutritional content include silkworm pupae, bamboo caterpillars, wasps, Bombay locusts, and scarab beetles. Pass me the fried tarantulas, please.

Locust Kabobs

Locust Kabobs

It’s nearly time for the seventeen year locusts to emerge. I suppose could follow the example of the man in Columbus, Missouri, who covered boiled cicadas with brown sugar and milk chocolate into a new ice cream flavor. He sold out before the health department made him stop production. Anyone up for Locust Lovers Delight?

While researching this article, I found a list of thirty-seven insects which are edible. I won’t name them all, but suffice it to say that any food group consisting of tasty critters including cockroaches, centipedes, slugs, dung beetles, lice, worms, grubs, and walking sticks will not make my Pinterest board of “Favorite Recipes.”

To end on a positive note, if we were all reduced to eating insects as a main staple of our diets, I don’t think obesity would be a problem anymore.

Just so you know

We check the stats here at Jane Started It! We don’t know who you are particularly. We don’t see: Jane Smith, Anytown, USA, etc. What we do know is an individual visitor came and looked at particular pages, and then moved on elsewhere.

The fun part is  we know what country a visitor is from, what page a visitor left to come here, and what page you go to from here. Another fun part is we have a listing of search terms that bring visitors to the site.

Here are a few for your enjoyment (in no particular order) :
hotpants boots  — 2 visitors
iola swinnerton  —  2
hile fever  —  1
no cure for the hat worn backwards  —  2

The rest carry a !!??!! label

hot his mother  —  1 (Eeewww)
susan kaye sex scenes   —  1 (Written by me or featuring me? Either way, Eeeewww again.)
chess champ sex appeal  —  1  (There is someone out there for everyone.)
alan rickman speedo  —  1  (Pass the eyewash!)
short sexy story contest  —  1 (We aren’t having one!)

The Web is a wild and wonderful place, amble responsibly!

Take care–Susan Kaye