Y’all Ain’t Right
Lizzy and Jane Bea met Caroline for lunch at the Pig ‘n Vittles the day after Valentine’s Day. Caroline was hankerin’ for a smoked pulled pork barbeque sandwich, but Lizzy wanted smoked grilled chicken, and Jane Bea opted for Brunswick stew on account a her upset stomach the night afore.
Caroline: This red slaw is to die for, y’all.
Lizzy: I can’t wait for the homemade banana puddin’ at the end. Oh my goodness gracious Rachel, it’s worth waitin’ every minute for. Pass me that hot sauce.
Jane Bea: Good grief, girls. Y’all got holler legs? It’s all I can do to eat what I got. The pork in this stew is just as good as what Charlie and I ate here last night, and it’s cheaper. I shoulda stuck with a pimiento cheese sandwich.
Caroline: What’d you guys have? My whole plate is just $5.99.
Jane Bea: Charlie put on the dog and bought us them foreign hot dogs from Korea. Between that and the beans, my stomach was making thunder all the way through that zombie movie. I won’t never eat that rotten stuff they put on that barkin’ dog agin. I just wish it had stayed in Korea. I spent half the night on the commode, tore up from the floor up.
Caroline: Did you and Charlie play smacky-mouth when you weren’t on the pot, or did you watch the zombies eat people?
Jane Bea: Now, you just back that pickup truck up, Caroline. I ain’t about to tell anything I did with Charlie to his sister. And nobody ate anybody at the drive-in, but that was one strange movie. All them girls flyin’ around with swords, whacking the heads off those eat-up people. That Bingley guy was hotter’n all get out, but he was dumb as a sack a hair. Bless his heart. Made the man playin’ Darcy look downright pitiful in the looks department, even if he was a cotton-pickin’ ninja, jumpin’ around all over the place, savin’ that ‘Lizbeth girl’s life. She looked doggone good in that leather suit. I might hafta get me one a those. I think Charlie liked it. He was grinning like a goat eatin’ briars.
Lizzy: Why, Jane Beatrice! You ain’t right! You all’d wear a leather suit to please a man? Gonna get a Harley, too?
Jane Bea: That’s enough about my Valentine’s date. What happened at the monster truck rally? You gals meet Charlie’s friend?
Lizzy: Shore did. That man was all stuck on hisself. He’s better lookin’ than any man has a right to be, but he was too big for his britches, if you ask me. So rich he buys another boat when his gets wet.
Caroline: ‘Lizbeth Frances, you ain’t got the good sense God gave a goose, and ain’t nobody askin’ you. You just all green-eyed ‘cause he paid me more attention than he did you. If you’d put a clamp on that barbed-wire tongue, he might a jawed a little with you, too. Mama always told me I could catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. He was fearful handsome, Jane. I couldn’t watch the rally for lookin’ at him.
Lizzy: He thinks ‘cause he went to some fancy schmancy school and learned to talk like a Yankee that he’s better’n us dumb Southerners.
Jane Bea: Oh, no, Lizzy. What’d you say to him?
Lizzy: I told him I may talk slow but that don’t mean I’m stupid.
Jane Bea: Good grief! You’d fight with a empty house, girl. Did he like your new outfit, Caroline?
Lizzy: (snorts) He wasn’t impressed as much as the rednecks waitin’ in line at the porta potties. Them guys were drunker than Cooter Brown. Their eyes musta been floatin’.
Caroline: Well, ain’t you just funny as a three-legged dog in a horse race! Them good ole boys wont that drunk. They just knew a good thang when they seen it.
Lizzy: They hollered at you, and you lit up like a Christmas tree. ‘Course you don’t think they was drunk. And they shore seen plenty of you. We all did. That little number you had on was so tight you musta used a whole can of W-D 40 and a shoehorn to get into it.
Caroline: Just ‘cause I don’t wear farmer jeans like you don’t make me a loose woman. That dog won’t hunt. I’ve had enough a yore mouth, Lizzy. I’m goin’ home. I feel like I been rode hard and hung up wet. I’m gonna take me a nap. I’ll see you tomorra, Jane. Lizzy, I’ll see you when I see you.
Lizzy: Don’t let the screen door hit you in the rear end on the way out.
Jane Bea: Why you always gotta fuss with Caroline? The way you two carry on, you’d think y’all were kin folk.
Lizzy: She fusses with me, too, and she can just kiss my grits. I don’t know what in tarnation she’s gets so riled up about.
Jane Bea: (shaking her head) Y’all two ain’t right. You just ain’t right.