Category Archives: Sir Walter Elliot

The Nerd in search of a Dinner Date

Beneath that pocket protector beats a sincere heart!

Seeking a date for Valentine’s Day?  Jane Austen’s Sir Walter Elliot points you in an unlikely direction.

Enjoy this excerpt from Sir Walter’s new advice e-book, Marrying Well for Fun & Profit:

OOO

Sir Walter is over the moon. He finally has a book all to himself.

Soon to be a bestseller, of course… according to Sir Walter

My Dear Vulgarian Miss,

As winter begins to flee, a particular sort of male emerges from hibernation. I refer to the Nerd in search of a Valentine’s dinner date.

As a modern woman you are familiar with the type. Highly intelligent, the Nerd spends countless hours at a desk, often with nothing but a computer, a caffeinated beverage, and the light from his desk lamp to keep him warm.

You laugh at him behind your hand, for he is a witless wonder when it comes to courtship. Alas, the gentleman’s art of sophisticated flirtation is beyond him.

Image: Betsy Weber (Creative Commons Flickr)

Image: Betsy Weber (Creative Commons Flickr)

But my dear, consider carefully before you disregard him as a suitor. For while ‘nerd’ is certainly a four-letter word, it is usually accompanied by a six-figure income.

Think Bill Gates, but on a smaller scale.

In social situations the poor fellow will be tongue-tied by your beauty, so it is best to prepare for a conversational disaster. No doubt he will be fortified with compliments, calculated to charm and beguile. Do your best not to laugh when he employs one of these timeworn pick-up lines…

I less than three you. 'nuff said. <3 Image: John Nakamura Remy (Creative Commons Flickr)

“I less than three you.”  ❤
Image: John Nakamura Remy (Creative Commons Flickr)

  • ‘Your name is Leslie? Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!’
  • ‘Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF…’
  • ‘I wish I was an ion so I could form an exothermic bond with you.’
  • ‘You must be an asymptote; I just find myself getting closer and closer to you.’
  • ‘Forget hydrogen, you’re my number one element!’
  • ‘My sudden, protracted cardiac arrhythmia tells me I love you.
  • ‘Are you the square root of 2? Because I feel irrational when I’m around you.’
  • ‘If you were a graphics calculator, I’d look at your curves all day long!’
  • ‘Why don’t you join me on World of Warcraft tomorrow? I’ll even give you my avatar’s name.’
Image: Betsy Weber (Creative Commons Flickr)

Image: Betsy Weber (Creative Commons Flickr)

Remember, my dear, that a sincere heart beats beneath that pocket protector. And that six-figure income on the tax return is easy on the eyes, even if he is not.

Cordially yours in the upward climb,

Sir Walter Elliot

 

NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life.
Unfortunately, it won’t date them either.
STEPHEN COLBERT

OOO

Want more of Sir Walter’s wit and wisdom?
Such a deal at 99 cents!
Marrying Well for Fun & Profit at Amazon

Laura Hile (1)

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New Release: Marrying Well for Fun & Profit

Sir Walter is over the moon. He finally has a book all to himself.

Soon to be a bestseller, of course

At last, after years of being misunderstood and maligned I, Sir Walter Elliot, finally have the spotlight. That is to say, my very own advice e-book.

And you need advice, dear reader, if you are to move up the social ladder. Do you wish to remain ordinary? Of course not! But marrying well — and improving your family’s gene pool in the process — is not as easy as it appears.

Why fade into the social landscape, like my daughter Anne? Wouldn’t you rather make an impression? Wouldn’t you rather attract a handsome man, who is also a man of means and good breeding?

I will show you how. My e-book is bursting with wise and witty nuggets. It’s just the thing to accompany your morning cup of coffee or tea.

A hit of caffeine and a dose of social sagacity. What could be better?

All this could be yours, if you know the way.

All this could be yours, if you know the way.

Youth and beauty are fleeting, my dear.  Allow me to help you to make the most of them.

Here is the purchase link to Amazon. In my humble opinion, the decimal place should be nudged over several places. But Laura Hile assures me that I could make up the difference in sales volume. Well, of course!

As always, I remain,

Cordially yours in the upward climb,

Sir Walter Elliot

Laura Hile (1)

Wentworth Wednesday

I’m going through Persuasion chapter-by-chapter, citing favorite texts.

Chapter 4:
He was, at that time, a remarkably fine young man, with a great deal of intelligence, spirit, and brilliancy; and Anne an extremely pretty girl, with gentleness, modesty, taste, and feeling. Half the sum of attraction, on either side, might have been enough, for he had nothing to do, and she had hardly anybody to love; but the encounter of such lavish recommendations could not fail. Half the sum of attraction, on either side, might have been enough, for he had nothing to do, and she had hardly anybody to love; but the encounter of such lavish recommendations could not fail. They were gradually acquainted, and when acquainted, rapidly and deeply in love. It would be difficult to say which had seen highest perfection in the other, or which had been the happiest: she, in receiving his declarations and proposals, or he in having them accepted.

A short period of exquisite felicity followed, and but a short one. Troubles soon arose. Sir Walter, on being applied to, without actually withholding his consent, or saying it should never be, gave it all the negative of great astonishment, great coldness, great silence, and a professed resolution of doing nothing for his daughter. He thought it a very degrading alliance; and Lady Russell, though with more tempered and pardonable pride, received it as a most unfortunate one.

He thought it a very degrading alliance ...

He thought it a very degrading alliance …

Anne Elliot, with all her claims of birth, beauty, and mind, to throw herself away at nineteen; involve herself at nineteen in an engagement with a young man, who had nothing but himself to recommend him, and no hopes of attaining affluence, but in the chances of a most uncertain profession, and no connexions to secure even his farther rise in the profession, would be, indeed, a throwing away, which she grieved to think of! Anne Elliot, so young; known to so few, to be snatched off by a stranger without alliance or fortune; or rather sunk by him into a state of most wearing, anxious, youth-killing dependence! It must not be, if by any fair interference of friendship, any representations from one who had almost a mother’s love, and mother’s rights, it would be prevented.

Captain Wentworth had no fortune. He had been lucky in his profession; but spending freely, what had come freely, had realized nothing. But he was confident that he should soon be rich: full of life and ardour, he knew that he should soon have a ship, and soon be on a station that would lead to everything he wanted. He had always been lucky; he knew he should be so still. Such confidence, powerful in its own warmth, and bewitching in the wit which often expressed it, must have been enough for Anne; but Lady Russell saw it very differently. His sanguine temper, and fearlessness of mind, operated very differently on her. She saw in it but an aggravation of the evil. It only added a dangerous character to himself. He was brilliant, he was headstrong. Lady Russell had little taste for wit, and of anything approaching to imprudence a horror. She deprecated the connexion in every light.

She saw in it but an aggravation of the evil

She saw in it but an aggravation of the evil

Such opposition, as these feelings produced, was more than Anne could combat. Young and gentle as she was, it might yet have been possible to withstand her father’s ill-will, though unsoftened by one kind word or look on the part of her sister; but Lady Russell, whom she had always loved and relied on, could not, with such steadiness of opinion, and such tenderness of manner, be continually advising her in vain. She was persuaded to believe the engagement a wrong thing: indiscreet, improper, hardly capable of success, and not deserving it. But it was not a merely selfish caution, under which she acted, in putting an end to it. Had she not imagined herself consulting his good, even more than her own, she could hardly have given him up. The belief of being prudent, and self-denying, principally for his advantage, was her chief consolation, under the misery of a parting, a final parting; and every consolation was required, for she had to encounter all the additional pain of opinions, on his side, totally unconvinced and unbending, and of his feeling himself ill used by so forced a relinquishment. He had left the country in consequence.

A few months had seen the beginning and the end of their acquaintance; but not with a few months ended Anne’s share of suffering from it. Her attachment and regrets had, for a long time, clouded every enjoyment of youth, and an early loss of bloom and spirits had been their lasting effect.

“…for he had nothing to do, and she had hardly anybody to love; … ” This is one of the most heart-breaking lines in literature, in my opinion. It reads as boredom begets love. Or, if the season for shooting was on Frederick might not have fallen in love with Anne. Or, it could be seen as a fortuitous thing that a young man who might not have noticed the quiet Anne Elliot is forced to look a little harder and see what others don’t.

Years ago a reader suggested that I go back to this part of Persuasion and write about Frederick and Anne’s first encounter and the subsequent break-up. I mumbled something about other stuff to do, but the truth is that I am in awe of the way Austen took less than eight hundred words so elegantly and deeply summed up the beginning and the end of their love affair. Sometimes fan fiction is great for going into the minutia of the canon and elaborating on each of the character’s feelings. Other times I think it’s best to leave the original alone. Especially when you haven’t the talent or the heart to improve on it.

For the Man Who has it ALL

Sir Walter Elliot,
Born, March 1, 1760
Married, Elizabeth Stevenson, July 15, 1784
2015 – 231 yrs anniversary

question+mark_2158 What do you give the couple who has it all? Sir Walter and Lady Elliot are after all, fiction. The may, simultaneously, have everything and nothing. The gentleman would certainly like more money. But if he had all he wanted, he would not be pursuing the pleasures of Bath and we would have no story. Lady Elliot would probably like to be alive. Though managing her husband’s ego was a full-time job in the early years would now be a job of epic proportions.

Anyway, at JSI we has a little discussion about what would you buy a couple who are celebrating their 231st wedding anniversary.

You can write to various agencies in government and depending on the country of residence, can get a letter from a queen, a president, governor, or probably the mayor of your town, congratulating the happy couple on their achievement. And yes, I think that just surviving some relationships for several years constitutes achievement. Sir Walter would not be impressed after ascertaining the document was rendered on a printer and the paper mere 30% recycled. I can imagine he’d scuttle to the Internet and look up photos of the senders. He’d give the Queen her due, all bets are off on the rest. Any judgments would be in keeping with the official’s skin texture, clothing, and denticulation.

Mens-hair-removal

“I’m doing this for YOU, my dear!”

Laura Hile suggested he would give Lady Elliot a certificate to a medi spa. Before you start saying it’s rude and thoughtless to give a woman of such years–Lady Elliot will be approximately 250 years old this year–a pointed jab at her appearance, I have to tell you the certificate is for him. Walt is a peach of a guy and willing to endure the sucking, lasaring, pulling, and tucking so as to improve her view of the world. I think it’s a great idea and in keeping with his orientation. When you are the center of the universe, you see the value in that sort of thing.

I’m torn. My first impression is like Laura to throw a gift certificate at it and be done. However, there are no restaurants issuing such that would please the Baronet. Imagine him at Outback Steakhouse or Olive Garden. See what I mean? I could go with a Visa or Mastercard gift card but then I face the problem of presentation.

Presentation is vital to man like Walt. gaudy_giftwrap(He’d pop a vein if he knew I was calling him Walt. Hence the continuation.) The more space a gift takes up, the better it is. As a child, who was more likely to fall for the British version of “I’ll trade you this big thick nickel for that teeny, tiny dime,” Sir Walter or Anne? So, shiny, eco-unfriendly paper swaddling a humongous, gaudy box and frothy ribbon trailing over all it is!

What do you give the Sir Walters in your life. Come on, I know you have them. Gag gifts? Gift certificates? A wincing look when they bring up the missed occasion? Let us know. Your tactics in this social landmine situation will be much appreciated.